Home is now just a house

Since I started working, I have stop looking forward to coming home. I used to enjoy staying at home and would call this house, my home. But recently, that is the last thing that comes to my mind when I enter the house.

Opened the front door, the house is in darkness. My housemate(s) are in their rooms with their doors shut.

Put my stuff down and entered the kitchen, piles of dirty dishes in the sink, stove/ hob is dirty with some left over food lying around and very oily looking. The cloth that we usually used to wipe/ clean dirty table top is wet and slimy. Cloths that we do not usually use are wet and dirty looking. Wet washed dishes/ pots all over the place and some on the wooden shelve. Opened the fridge, everything is filled with food. The little place I have is occupied by other people's food. And people ask me why I don't eat much, because every time I want to buy something, I'll be thinking if there's space in the fridge or freezer. Totally put me off from having my late dinner.

Got into the bathroom, floor is wet, the mat on the floor is wet, the window is closed with the blinds down and the whole bathroom is dark, wet and damp. Mould alert!! Toilet paper has finished but no one (or the last person who used it) did not bother to replace it. No one cares.

Getting home feeling tired is one thing. Having the feeling that I need to clean up after people who has been home hours before me is another thing. It really annoys me and really doesn't make my day end any better. I received enough crap in work, I don't want to receive more crap when I'm in my comfort of my house. It really irks me and I really feel like shouting at them but what can I do but just bottle it up and hope that one day it doesn't explode.

My 2nd housemate who is currently out of block left his gf in our place, occupying the living room. I am trying not to blame her but things have changed since she's around. I never had to face such crap last year or early this year. Maybe I am feeling all angry and annoyed because of stress from work but in all honesty, my work is not that stressful. Maybe I just don't like change and having her around is a change.

The kitchen is in a mess, the bathroom is in a mess. If I were her, I would have the courtesy to ask how does things work around in the house and not just barge in and start doing things your own way. Gosh, I really don't like her. I haven't really had a conversation with her since she started living here 2-3 weeks ago. Firstly, I can't act all nice and interested in knowing her at all, secondly she speaks with an accent when she conversed in English. It drives me up the wall hence the avoidance. Even the sound of her voice just makes me want to leave the room. I know I am being mean and judgmental which is so unlike me but I just can't help it with her. I'm sure she's a nice girl but at the moment, I don't give a shit.

Gosh, why can't things be like last time when we had so much fun at home, talking and laughing and not keeping to ourselves in our rooms. I miss my first year staying here when my 1st housemate was working and every time, knowing that she'll come home to rant, I'll keep my door open and welcomed her home, listened to her rant and do crazy funny things with her. Or when my 2 new housemates moved in. We do keep to ourselves but we still do laugh and joke and tease each other. I miss those days.

Now, to wait for her to leave in another weeks time then hopefully things will be back to normal and I can call this house home again.

Last Friday which was my birthday was another sad story of my life. In 2012, I was locked out of my room after coming home from hosp after a long day. I was all alone, sitting in the common kitchen playing with my phone, feeling sorry for myself. It ended with me being in my room with tonnes of self-pity. This year is no different at all. Came home after a crappy day at work, housemates all in rooms and me, alone in my room feeling sorry that it's my birthday. I really hate my birthday because it's a time when I feel very lonely and sad that I even exist. I'm pathetic I know.

Not advertising my birthday but getting wishes from people who sincerely remembered and cared to wish me did help a bit but seeing the number dwindling down just put everything in perspective. Maybe I can't be alone after all, maybe I do need someone in my life but a week after my birthday, thinking rationally again, I think that's one of the last thing I want now. What if this person disappoints me as well? I don't need more of that shit and now, I am content with being alone again.

Let's hope that next year, no one reminds me that it's my birthday and it'll be another normal day =)
Better still if I don't exist by then XD