scared and stressed

Today the semester 2 seniors got their EOS (end of semester) exam result. Before that, my batch rep announced that the club "campus friend" where seniors sort of give tutoring is giving tips and hints on what to focus and expect in exam. So there I was kiasu and all(I am not a member by the way), attended and joined in because it was opened for all.

Started well because they started with the chapter which I just finished studying, then slowly it went to chapters which I studies few days or a week ago then to the chapters which I haven really touch yet. There and then, panic strike and I was so scared and stressed and my spelling for all the jargon's words were WRONG!! I was really terrified especially when every senior that came in after receiving their result eventually told us things like "study hard and don't regret", "if you slack some more you will fail" and stuff like that. One of them even came in and was in a very sad tone telling us that his best friend failed.

Later we got to know that about 60 students failed, means they might get expelled!! Now, yours truly here is prepared to get expelled but honestly I don't want to. I was really scared and stressed and disappointed because what I studied before, all was in the waste bin, nothing came back even when the seniors were telling the important keywords. SAD!!!! =(

After the 2 hours of cortisol (stress hormone) pumping (that session lasted that long), I went straight to the library and started studying and going back to all the previous notes. Panic again and suddenly the guy sitting beside me(I was in the cubicle) asked me how was the tutoring session. He was a semester 3 student. Then the gal sitting beside me on my left also asked and she was in semester 5. After both of them sort of got my answer, they were jokingly saying that I am the future "A" student because I am still in the library at that hour. They even added that both of them are still there because they need to study for EOS3 and 5 respectively while I am just sitting for summative 1 where we will not get expelled even if we fail. Only EOS exam will get you expelled when fail.

At that moment when they said such things, my heart drop a thousand meter down and I was really feeling the ultimate stress. Yes I know they are just joking and sort of motivating me but all those words carry a heavy meaning and responsibility and by telling those stuff, I really freaked out and wanted to cry but in the end I just smiled and said "No I wont" and continue scrolling through my notes. Getting the hint they continue studying too.

I am just so scared and stressed out. Will I fail? Ya, they were also discussing about this smart guy who got A- for both summative 1 and 2 but got a C- for EOS2 and overall, he got a C-. C is the passing grade, anything below it is FAIL!!!! OMG, what will my future hold for me??

gosh

I thought you were out from my life?! Why are you back? Disturbing? I thought I told you about my feeling now but why are you still like a parasite demanding for my attention? I am so confused!! Gosh go away!!! Get out from my life and stop making things more complicated. Grrr...


On a lighter note, I had enough sleep today and hence I had so much fun in ballet class but my feet and toes are aching and bleeding. Sad but well, 'no pain no gain'. My abs are killing me too because I did 'plank' yesterday together with Arthur. It is a position like guy's push up but u stay at that position as long as you can and your elbow is on the ground. Practically your weight is on your toes or elbow.

After 1 minute at that position not moving, I started to feel pain at my abdomen, then it spread to my back then to my thighs and feet. Later I could feel my feet shaking and my abdomen muscle to contract. The feeling was WOW and just now in ballet class I could not do back bend or circular port de bra. Back pain plus abs cramp just make class more fun because feeling pain means you are working on some muscle.

OK, call me a masochism but this is my way of working out. OK, I don't know what to add more because life now is quite dull and most of my time I spent making myself settle down to study but my mind will fly to some other place. Yup, gonna flunk exam soon so ya.....

males breastfeed??!!

Well, when you look at the word MI, you might be thinking of Mission Impossible but now, I'll be thinking of myocardial infarction. GI as GI Joe?? Nah, it's gastrointestinal. How about TV? Television?? To me its tidal volume. Let's try VIP. Very important person? Very idiotic person/pig? Well, its vasoactive intestinal peptide to me now. Ya, trying real hard to get all these terms into my small pea brain.

Back to the title--Male breastfeed?? Well, as you know (if you do remember) that prolactin stimulates milk production. When the female get pregnant, prolactin, an endocrine hormone will be secreted from the anterior pituitary gland and it will enhance milk production. Well, males also have prolactin secreted into their bloodstream all the time. Hence, MALE CAN PRODUCE MILK FOR BREASTFEEDING if we increase the prolactin production in them. Some of the guys in our batch say they don't mind because it is a noble thing to do. But when I asked the guy sitting next to me if he will breastfeed, he answered me back in an angry tone NO!!

You see, the world we live in is dominated by males and hence to them getting pregnant, doing house chores and well, breastfeeding is a no-no task to them. The guy sitting beside me added that males will not breastfeed (ever) because God created man that way. He further explained his point--our breasts are small and not enlarged and our prolactin production is low, there has to be a reason behind it so why do you want to change God's creation? Wow, I was not in the mood to debate so I left the topic there and then. Honestly he has a point but he doesn't need to feel that strongly against it right?

Library is a good place to study but (argh!!) it's now under a little construction. Constructor/ table builder are making lots of noise in the library by polishing the soon-to-be-study-table, hammering the nails into them, screwing the tables and so on. The sound from the machine are irritating and annoying and disturbing our concentration. Take an example ~~ prolactin is secreted by anterior 'eeeeeeeeeeeeee' gland. It enhances the 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeee' production. Wow, all the key words are now replaced by that annoying machinery noise!!! I guess during exam I'll write out 'eeeeee' for the lecturers to fail me.

FREAK OUT!!!!!!

I am totally gonna be dead for this coming summative exam.

I cant remember anything!!!

I suck in ballet and the exam is in 4 or 5 more months!!!

I miss my band so much!!!

I for once miss friends that I know they don't miss me!!!

I just want to break free from all these nonsense and lead the life I want!!!

I am getting fat!!!

I am getting weak!!!

I am getting worst in everything!!!

I suck in everything!!!

I don't deserve to be where I am!!!

I don't want to be emo anymore!!!!

I need strength to go on!!!

I will find my inner (intrinsic) motivation!!!

I will improve myself in every aspect I want!!!

I will lead the life I want!!!

I will take control of my destiny!!!

I will overcome this small petty so-call barrier!!!

YES I WILL!!!!!


Btw, David Cook won and yeah!!!!!

Here In My Home + Wesak Day

I want to share this piece of multi-artistes racial unity song & video project produced by Pete Teo and directed by Yasmin Ahmad and Ho Yuhang.
Unity is what we need!!!!

But politics in Malaysia is getting sucky (sad!!)

Sunday is the day I need to use to catch up with studies but sadly it did not happen. I slept in and woke up by 8am!!! So late and after completing the house chores it was 10am already. Read newspaper and had breakfast, it was already 12pm. Took out my notes but end up sleeping till 4pm. Watch some TV drama and online and well, there goes my day. So I set my mind to start studying and reminded myself that exam is just round the corner but still, I end up ironing clothes.

By 8pm, mother came home and we went out for dinner and bought movie tickets for Narnia which will only start at 11pm. To kill time, we drank lots of tea end up peeing so many times before entering the cinema. Narnia was OK, I mean after the show ended it did not really gave me the impact of wanting to watch again.

Anyway, by the time the movie ended, it was already 1.35am. Wow, I just realised that the movie is 2 hours and 15 minutes long (worth my money eh). We decided that since it is already Wesak Day, we might as well visit the temple. I have been going to this temple (Maha Vihara at Brickfields) since 5 years old and have been helping/ volunteering during Wesak Day but since last year I stopped contributing and hence I've made up my mind that next year onwards I'll continue helping out. (JW if you are reading, will you be back from US? It wont be fun without you around here bossing ^^)

Here I am blogging and slacking. Gosh I wonder why can't I study at home...hmm....


Happy Wesak Day to all!!!!

PPKKCTM

PPKKCTM stand for Pusat Penjagaan Kanak-Kanak Cacat Taman Megah..

Yup, that was where I went this morning. I was so tired and even though I put my alarm at 7am, I could not wake up because I was just too tired. My mind was telling me to skip this trip to uni and sleep in. But if I don't go today, I won't go next week too so I managed to drag myself up from bed and left house by 8.30am to the train station. Wow, the train was so full with people but after KL Sentral's stop, I managed to sit and had hard time keeping awake.

What is this PPKKCTM all about? It's a shelter for mentally disable children or adults such as kids with Down Syndrome, kids that are mentally challenged, kids that have damaged brain and stuff like that and also some orphans that were left there. Some of them could not move at all due to the damaged brain that leads to stunted growth. There's this boy who is 16 years old but he was as big as a 4 years old kid. His legs were tensed up and all his toes were crunched up and he can't speak or really move hence he just lie on that mat and stare. There were kids that were sitting on chairs and (sadly) tied to the chair I think to avoid them from falling because they can't walk.

I reached uni by 10am and we left by 10.15am. This is not an assignment or club thing, its just a programme organised by the seniors for people like us to join in some community service work. The whole time I was there, I keep hanging out with the immobile kids and tried to massage them. There's this gal called Gal Gal (13 years old but looks like 7)who likes me and likes people touching her. She can make sound and move (crawl) but can't talk or hold things. It was so sad because she keep making sound and point at the place where she wants you to touch/massage/pet.

There were also adults that were mentally challenged / Down Syndrome. There were also a few who were able to speak but their mentally are not of their age like a guy who is 20 years old but have a 10 years old kid's mind. Ya, there were a few who loved to be carried. There were a few who loves to pull you to one corner and make you sing with her/him.

When I first reached the place, I was a little surprise at the amount of children there. But after a while I got used to it. Besides that, I was a little uncomfortable at them touching me (I never like people touching me). There was this gal who suddenly put her hands around my waist and said ~Hi, how are you? I was shocked but looking at her condition, sadness just overwhelmed and I entertained her.

At about 12pm, food was served and I fed a Down Syndrome gal. She keeps having fits. They were having chicken rice and when she saw the chicken (drum stick), she extended her hand then back to her body then repeated till I put the plate nearer to where she can reach. It was just so sad but we managed to cooperate and had fun while eating. After feeding her, she went to another place to play so I went back to Gal Gal and we were laughing because I was clicking my tongue which amuses her. She even managed to give me a High-5!!

Looking at them crawling, tied to chairs, running around with distorted limbs just make me feel how lucky I am to be born as some what called perfect. I just could not believe my ears when I heard that they were abandoned by their parents and some even did not leave their birth cert behind and giving the management hard time because when they bring those kids to the doctor, they need identification.

After that whole experience I am so proud that I actually made an effort in taking some time out to help, that whole 1 hour of traveling is just so worth while (tiring though). Yes I am going to commit myself in this small project. Even though I can't do much but by entertaining and making them happy is something that helps them too.

Want to know more or look at their pictures, just click here.

me and art craft

On Monday, my friend Natasha asked me to make 20 bookmarks for the crusader's club (some AIDS awareness club) and how did she tell me?

At the escalator, me going to ground floor while she was walking on the ground floor.
Me ~ Hey hey (waving on the escalator)
Natasha ~ (looks up) Hello...(walking towards me on the ground floor), hey can you make 20 bookmarks by this Friday?
Me ~ Err, what is it for?
Natasha ~ Oh, we'll selling it to raise fund for this AIDS foundation.
Me ~ Oh, sure.
Natasha ~ OK, thank you so much, I'll give you the designs later..

After that conversation, I honestly totally forgot about my task.

On Wednesday, I saw Esther making bookmarks and lots of red ribbon. Some of the others were sticking the red ribbons to those RM1 candles.
Esther looked up when I approached.
Me ~ hey hey, what are you doing?
Esther ~Oh, making the bookmarks and candle to sell on Friday. You are making the bookmarks too right?
Me ~Err...ya but Natasha said she'll pass me the design or something....
Esther ~ Oh, you can actually just do anything you know.
Me ~ Oh (and feeling ashamed)

I quickly smsed Natasha and asked her about the details. My mind was thinking and thinking what design and what slogan? These bookmarks are for sale, I got to make it worth it.

After spending most of my study time thinking about the design, I decided to google for some ideas for the design and slogans. Surprisingly google gave me a lot of complicated and hard design so I went home and asked for my mother's opinion. Typical mother just gave her oh-my-great-ideas opinion but it wasn't all too great for me. Suddenly, I recalled brother having lots of such bookmarks so I went to his room to hunt them down.

Sadly, after much nagging from mother, he cleaned his room last month and not even one single trace of bookmarks or awareness slogan were found. While watching TV, my mind was thinking and thinking and finally my last resort was just do what I think is nice.

My 20 bookmarks used up my whole Thursday and I was so "semangat" that i purposely went out to get papers and plastic covers for it. Yes, it was done but when I showed my mother, her reaction was~ So ugly!! So dull looking!! Why you use black? Not nice la. you so bodoh do all 10 only show me. Who want to buy? But after seeing my face, she just added ~ since you did it already then done la. And she walked off. Yup, thats my mother but when I did my remaining 10, she tried to help by passing some opinions because before I added any new design I asked her opinion.

Friday came and I gave the 20 (10+7+3 different designs and colours) bookmarks to Natasha and couldn't help telling her they're all ugly. LOL
Before I went for lunch, I went to the stall and the people in charge there was (shockingly) said mt designs are nice and quite a number sold off already.

At about 6 something, I went and look and noticed those designs that mother said was ugly all have been sold off!!! And apparently because my bookmarks have plastic sheets over it, instead of selling it as RM2, they sold it for RM5!!!

wah, so proud of myself (still beaming)^^

updates....

hey people....

I know, I have not been updating my blog regularly but honestly I am in a dilemma. The main aim of this blog is to keep in touch with college friends and share with them what's going on in my life, but on the other hand, I have uni mates that check on my blog too. What's the problem then? Well, if I start blogging about my uni stuff, definitely many uni mate's name will be involved and you guys (college mates) know none of them. If I write about my past, uni mates and some of you guys will also don't understand!!! Argh, so what to blog?

Whatever, this is my blog and I will blog what ever I want to but I hope you guys will still keep on reading^^

So, what have been happening? Nothing much really. After the last blog, I totally lost my study stamina due to fatigue-ness, hence Thursday till Sunday, I took a long break and when Monday came, I was blur as ever since I lag behind =(

Err, having a writer's block now. Ya, I want to tell you guys, I really really miss you guys a lot!!! Uni life is definitely different from college life, people around me are also different (in personality wise). I think I've changed too!! Well, I got to change to adapt right? But don't worry, I am still as lame and as dumb as ever!! Sounds familiar? LOL

There is nothing much to tell you guys except that I am really afraid for this coming exam. All the things that I've revised the past month have been digested in my stomach but sadly, it did not get absorbed in the small intestine but was defecated. Ya, this week we are learning about GI tract (gastrointestinal tract). I don't want to bore you guys with facts of anatomy or the physiology of all these organs.
*physiology= study of the function

How is everybody? I missed my Chemistry lecture so much that I emailed her 2 weeks ago and she replied my email yesterday (at last). She started her sentence with
IT's so nice to hear from you again. Was thinking how much I missed
your class too after I came out scolding my A49 class. Ha! Ha! Sounds so
familiar doesn't it? Well, the scolding works. The class is working so
hard now. Just like my previous A48 group B - hmmm - doesn't that ring a
bell?

Hahaha, I know you guys may think that Ms.Ng is fierce or bad or something negative because she scolds us but look at the result from our class!! It was all worth it. You wonder how Ms.Ng scolds us? She'll raise her voice and say that we have not been putting much effort, express her disappointment and she always threatened to call our parents (she did called CK's dad..lol), last resort meet us one by one and lecture us according to our weakness. It was a very scary yet exciting experience!!!! Haha, call me crazy!!!

OK, honestly, I have no idea what to blog about but I hope all of you guys out there, stay healthy and happy. Stay true to yourself. I really miss you guys!!!

my 1st time acting

We were put into groups and given a case study to present. My case study is about Peter who got a call from Mary (a gal he likes since he entered IMU) asking him out for a date at KL Aquaria. But unfortunately he has phobia for fish. We got to design a program to help him.

So since I was so unlucky to be the 1st name on the list and was the only gal in my group, I was forced to be the doctor. It was not fun at all at 1st because I do not know anyone of them but when shooting this short clip, I found out that they are funny people and I guess I enjoyed laughing with them.

The whole shooting process, I NG quite a few times because the background people was making funny faces or they were trying not to laugh and those trying-not-to-laugh faces are just sooo funny. Anyway, I just realised that my hair is really straight when I watched the video. WOW!!

Synopsis of the video- Peter will come to me for help and I'll treat him with the program called systemic desensatization where he got to see pictures of fish, touch and watch moving fishes. Eventually he got better and went for his date. The whole video needs to be in 5 minutes hence a lot of scenes were cut off. Anyway, I'll try to get those funny clips from my friend who taped the whole video with his hand phone (5 mega pixel dude!!).

Enjoy and don't laugh, I looked weird and you might find it boring.

my hubby

You want to know who is the JW in my msn nick name? The JW that claimed to be my hubby? Do you?? Nah....he's just a normal guy who was a head prefect back in secondary school, had his big face pubblished in Star newspaper and represented M'sia in debate competition and ya, he recently just got the Bank Negara scholarship and will be off to US soon. JW, I don't want to study at US with you!!! =P

JW is someone all of you won't know personally because he's not from the area I'm staying or went to the same college or was a band member. He's just someone I know since young. I remembered calling him Superman (I have no idea why!!) then slowly became Stupidman and after a while we lost contact and we did not speak to each other until 4 years back.

It all started with the newspaper and class project. I remembered everybody in that class was out doing this project which we were not involved thus end up staying in class alone. He was reading the newspaper and we started talking after I borrowed the newspaper from him.

Since that day, he loves teasing me with the fact I love trumpet and ballet and eventually every single thing I do or say or touch. When he got to know that I was selected to perform in the Slave Princess show, he was so into it and even asked me to inform him if ticket sales were out. Of course I was reluctant to inform him because YES I DO HAVE PROBLEM WITH YOU GUYS WATCHING ME PERFORMING ON STAGE.

How we became husband and wife? It all started when I was busy smsing someone and he was curious who was it. So I told him the "story" and he accused me of cheating because he claimed we were married. After that, we never discuss about it or he calling me his wife or anything.

Everything was just a joke until this week, when we meet up again in a class where he was supposedly helping a teacher to teach. After we had a quick chat and after I left, the students asked him if I am his girlfriend. His answer was~~ NO!!!! She's my wife and its complicated~~ Hahaha, sure it is complicated and even after I told him another "story" few days back in msn, he wants me to tell the other person that I have a husband and stuff like that. Hence to satisfy his "feelings of suspense", I wrote it as my nick name.

By the way, he is one guy who loves power and loves to be in control of everything. But caring for sure. After reading one of my previous post, he called to make sure everything was fine and even warned me to not write post like that. I am truly touched by that small action but I am sure so-not-in-love with that fellow. Hahaha..

Now you happy?? Want to really see his picture? Meet me and I'll show you. Its in my hand phone. When my hand phone was few weeks old, he took the hand phone and snap his own pictures and make me promise him that I will never delete those pictures. Control Freak!!!! Hahaha, JW don't you call me and start scolding me because I dedicated a special post for you =p

motivation

This was what my lecturer showed us on "motivation" topic and honestly, I had tears in my eyes especially when it was in lecture theater because the sound was so loud and it was louder than in cinema....

Paul Potts's audition


This is just an ordinary guy, hand phone seller to be exact and have dreams to sing opera in public and he had his chance. this shows that if you dare to dream and of course have the talent, you can actually achieve it with a little more effort.

do I look weird?

Seriously, do I look weird?

I have been taking the train like usual and honestly, I started to realise that people like to stare or look at me. The last time I checked, I have a frontal(forehead), a nasal (nose), optic (eyes), oral (mouth), buccal(cheek), mental(chin), cephalic (head)!! And this is not the 1st time I notice.

I am just a normal person!! I don't know why but they just either look and pretend they didn't see me but when I look at another way, they'll turn their head back and look at me. OK, maybe something is wrong with my clothes or something so I went to the toilet and even asked my friend when I reached Uni if anything is wrong with me but she said nothing is wrong!!

Gosh, I know MJ will ask me to stare back at them but there's so many!!
Argh!!!!

Just now at the train, there was no air-cond and this kid about 3 years old sitting with his mother started to cry and showing temper. I was sitting beside so I was focusing on his ways of throwing his tantrum. There was this guy in his late twenties, I think either is a cousin or brother tried to coax him. He spoke but I could not hear any voice (remember I have ears too!!) so I guess he's dumb, for sure not deaf because when that "mother" asked him to miss call someone, he took the phone and did wheat she asked.

At that moment, I feel so helpless. I was imagining if I can use sign language to communicate, everything would be easier. Hence, I decide to take up sign language classes after my 1st semester's exam.

Anyone wants to join me??

reunion of Chem+ Further Maths collegemates

Harlow...I'm back again but with PICTUREs!!!
So let me tell y'all a story with the help of the Pictures....
(lets have the American accent for this post)

lets start with the boring stuff dudes...
All of us who came (Ivan and Sailesh was late so they are not in yet)
We were all so /very hungry thus menu was our focus at that time (but Bryan was a poser..lol)
Jia jin was like studying for an exam while Joe was a poser too (I guess Bryan taught him)...
Edmund who loves talking just keep the juicy gossips flowing...but Shannon found something else more interesting...
the gossips kept flowing till the extend that sailesh wanted to punch him...Bryan and Jia Jin (the Tai Koh) was alert to avoid any violence
So Edmund being tolerant kept quiet and had his food while Jia jin was stoned because nothing happened and his being alert was a waste (look at Sai's grin)...
But Edmund being loud and impatient couldn't help being quiet and started spreading his "teaching of "lame jokes" that made all of us LAUGH....we were all so happy!!!
All of us were still in laughing mode but Sai was not that happy because his plan to humiliate Edmund failed =P
From far left: My sleeves, Ivan Cheong (Susan), Sailesh, Goloka. Shannon and Bryan
The same side but with extra some one....presenting...dear ALVINT!!!!
The other side of the table after Jia jin: Joe, Victor and Karam (all posers!!)
Guess who were they listening so intensely to?
ME!!! hahahahaha...Notice what the guys are wearing ...white(jia jin), black(joe), white(Vic), black(Karam)...I'm in between (brown) LOL
I have no idea what was soooo funny...notice Karam and my hand? So weird....like dog's paw
Quote Alvint's words : Peace - Jene is signaling it,Goloka is saying it...(but I look so rabbity and Golok don't look like pronouncing the word right)
All of us had something serious to discuss
Presenting CNN live with me...Guest appearance: the very animated Karamdeep Singh
I have no idea what we were talking about but look at Karam!!! (after knowing that I look like rabbit, I decided to cover my mouth just like the above pic but with hand this time) LMAO
The happy college mates

Did I mention where were we? Nah, dates aint important aint I rite?

Venue: Ms.Read at 1 Utama
Date: 23 April 2008
Mood: Indescribable but mostly fun and happy to see each other
Length of reunion : 7pm -10.30pm

**fail miserably in American accent and the things I said here are just created by me spontaneously...not exactly what happened at that moment =)

randomLY

reporting from uni...

I was waiting for Ale to finish her printing stuff when I turned to her and found out she was blogging!!!! Hehehe, my turn too!!!

Today is a Friday, a day after Labour day, a day where all the behavioural lectures are on, the day where most of my batch mates don't attend the lectures. Today, only about 50 of us attended the lectures, the other 200 went back hometown or skipped lectures.

I think I'm coming down with a flu, can feel the uncomfortable-ness in my throat..heat, pain..etc...

Anyway, Ale and I was just talking about Uni life. We should be mixing with lots of people, socialising, meeting different people form different faculty. But while having our early lunch (it was 10am), we looked around and noticed that IMU is quite empty. Empty as in the amount of people who are in this campus. Everyday we meet either the semester 2 or 3 people and our batch mates but not people from other courses. Its so dead quiet here.

Today, I nearly forgot that I got to stay back to be involved in the vote-counting session. Since we are the most junior batch and apparently other juniors from other faculty are having their break, we got to have about 90 people from our batch. Based on today's attendance, I doubt if there is even 25 who are coming to count the votes. Ya, what votes? Its the election for the student representative council committee and every 3rd person in the student name list is picked to be involved in this vote-counting session.

You noticed?? My english sucks!!!

Ya, my thoughts are all scrambled up and I'm just gonna write things randomly.

You know how bimbos talk? lets imitate them....
Hey gal, you know, I broke my finger nail the other day!!
Is it? (giggle in high pitch!!) OMG that is just so sad...let me see!!!
See!! Its all so ugly...I hate my nails now...boohoo...

OK, I suck in imitating a bimbo.

I have nothing to type and my throat is just so annoying. Haha, and ya, I just had curry chicken. I have been craving for curry chicken since days ago and I actually think of it before I fall asleep recently!!!

Anyway, tahtah (in high pitch, bimbo-ishly and waving like those beauty queen)...