Thursday, November 29, 2012

Phew

After a long and emotional day, I sat on my bed with the laptop on my lap and started typing the email explaining how the press misquoted me etc.

Before clicking send, I was asking myself what's the reason for me to explain myself. Do I even need to do anything about it? Am I just overly sensitive?

I did the best thing I could think of- ask friend's opinion. Back at home, it was almost 7ish am so I was hoping there're friends who were up and could give me their opinions and lo and behold, someone was awake and gave me a better view of the situation.

SENT.

And I am very very please the reply I got back the next morning.

A huge sigh of relieve =)

Everything is fine and back in order. Next up, write up and improve the report etc....One thing at a time, no stress or pressure right?

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

As predicted

Yup, as predicted. The article came out today after the interview yesterday afternoon. How did I find out? When I went to the ward since I had an hour to kill before the clinic started.

I walked in, my 1st consultant saw me and went
' Oh, someone appeared in the newspaper with a huge picture of herself. What's more interesting is the choice of career...'

I was like 'Huh? What?'

So I went and bought the paper which cost me 60p and there was the article, taking up half the page of the newspaper with my huge head in the middle.

OMG, the things that were written was so....argh!!!!

I'm so embarrassed =/

I feel so bad. My consultant must have felt like he was being cheated by me or something.

Today has been a long day......=/

I should write an email to explain myself but I actually don't have any particular reason to but I feel like I should....should I? Hmm...

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Long overdue comments

Hello peeps,

I finally finished my long overdue report. Well, I was not given a deadline hence I was procrastinating and feeling amotivational but finally after sitting on my bed with my laptop for 10hours, a week of few working paragraphs turned into a report of 2600 words. Phew....next on the list to do is....argh so much to do!!!

Right, regarding the winning-competition-I-am-so-dead issue. Dundee had a same regional competition on Wednesday and a few of my friends/ IMU peeps joined too! One of them called to find out what were my stations to better prepare himself and I was thrilled to know that I might have a familiar face when I get to the Finals but sadly, I am still going alone.

In relation to the article, I have tonnes of things to comment. Firstly, why on earth is my age revealed? Is it important to show how old am I? Gosh, I feel so old looking at my age spelled out in front of me. Next, before the article was released, I was asked to fill up the feedback form and I did not know that they were using what I wrote in the form to represent my thoughts in the article. Of course what I wrote was not copied word to word hence it felt weird reading things that I supposedly say but oh well, nothing to complain about since the gist of it is similar. Tonnes of things to comment? Not.

 The most updated thing about the competition is appearing in the Evening Express newspaper and next week, I am going to have an interview by a newspaper reporter from Press and Journal. Apparently Press and Journal is the more serious proper newspaper so I am kinda worried as to what will happen when I am featured in their 'People's Page' section. Why am I feeling bad? Because my Psych consultants are pushing me into the specialty and I have to admit, psych has always been an interest to me but I am interested in Surgery as well. I might come out straight and say this, I like all specialty as long as the consultants and doctors are nice so I dislike Orthopedic. Pediatricians are one of the nicest doctors around but I dislike children so paeds is out of the question.

My psych consultant like I mentioned in my previous post told everyone including my new Psych consultant (I just changed department after 3 weeks) that I want to be a Psychiatrist. Right, what do you say when you are in the situation where you can only answer yes? You answer YES! So I have been saying YES when my previous Psych consultant say 'Jene wants to be a Psychiatrist.' Now, if he reads Press and Journal and found me in an article saying I like Surgery as well, how am I going to face him??!!! ARGH!!!

I'm in deep shit.

Oh, my current consultant stays in between of Elgin and Aberdeen and he does clinics in Elgin for 2 days. I want to go Elgin because I want to meet the doctors there and it's nice to see how he conducts his clinics in Elgin. Fine, I just want to go Elgin because I want to meet the doctors there. Anyway, since he can't fetch me from Aberdeen to Elgin, I proposed the idea of taking the train and meeting him there but he suggested
'If you are brave, you can stay overnight at my place and we can go to the clinic the next day. I have a spare room'

WOW....staying at a consultant's place??!! I'm quite excited with the idea because I can see how a normal Scottish family is like at home. I told my housemate and he was scaring me with things like 'oh, ang moh likes to have affair etc' But he has a family with 3 young kids! The youngest is 2.5 years old so nothing will happen right? But I don't know if he suggested because he's being polite and nice or he really does mean it. Well, I'm going to risk it and just ask him if he means it but giving him a leeway of saying no as well.

Let's see...

Friday, November 16, 2012

I'm dead terrified now...

What have I got myself into. I should be feeling proud right? But what I'm feeling is fear and embarrassment...

I was with the social worker visiting patients and also was with my consultant psychiatrist at another town called Peterhead which was 1 hour drive away. Around late morning, my phone kept vibrating with messages and I just ignored them until I had the chance to look at them at late afternoon and boy was I surprised with all the messages from whatsapp, text messages and FB messages and notifications. It didn't feel right but I didn't open any FB page, instead I replied the text messages and whatsapp and OH NO....

If you are interested in knowing what's going on, try clicking this.

I am not joking when I said I am terrified.

You guys should have seen the first few pictures after the result was announced, I was really shell shocked and it was obvious on my face! Thank goodness those stupid looking face pictures were not put up. Not that any pictures with me in it looks good.

The most I did a week before was watch YouTube channels since I did not get any formal teaching at all. The others were taught when they were in their first or 2nd year so clearly, nothing will happen to me but Boy was I wrong...

I feel kinda bad because I told my Psyc consultant that I WAS interested in Psych (and he stopped me after I continued with BUT...), then he told his team that I AM interested, then few days later he told most of the ward nurses that I WANT to be a psychiatrist then it became I WILL be a psychatrist.....I feel so so bad now....I have to admit that I am interested in it but as a career?? Not too sure about that. I think that's his way of making me get back to the psych route and maybe he does it with other students =P

Right, now to finish up the mock OSCE and get over with it....

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Ranting Time!!

It has been ages since I wrote here. I have so much bottled up that I feel like I'm suffocating.

It's so difficult to come up with a blardy decision when no one is contributing and no one cares. But freaking hell, this is meant to be a blardy batch event, not my freaking own event. Yes, history has repeated itself but nothing has changed. Yes, I am still doing most of the stuff alone while the others just wait and depend on whatever I'll do. I freaking hell sure that in the end, they'll be not happy with this or that or whatever. I freaking am tired to be in the difficult situation. I'm so tired of compromising for both sides. I can't make a decision because it is not mine to make. Like I say, it's a batch event, not my event and I can't, I just can't take up the role of the dictator and decide everything but you blardy hell guess right. If I were to take up that dictator role, I won't even have to feel this way. Unlike when I was in band, I was given the power to be the dictator and boy did I never had such hard time making decision because I knew it was mine to make, I knew I in the end was the one making the decision but this time, it ain't the same....I'm just so tired. Came up with a compromise suggestion but somehow no one is still really happy. Ya, it's a freaking compromise so everyone will never be satisfied but I just hate how people become so grumpy around me and sending me text that shows how annoyed they are. This is it. I'm going to draw a line and I don't freaking give a damn if I'm going to lose a friend or whatsoever. If it really comes to that, so be it, I am way better off that way than to be this nice person tolerating all the shit I'm receiving from this end. Why is my batch this way? Why are they not as unite or as close as our seniors? At least the senior batch, there is at least 4-5 of them who are a clique but my batch are so separated. I'm just so disappointed and so disheartened.

Besides having this slight hiccup, I have other troubles too. Well, too many in fact. There's one regarding my empty CV. I feel like I have developed amotivational syndrome. Nope, I have not smoked any cannabis but it's the same feeling. Haih, I'm just so lazy in doing anything for it. I know I need to do something but the thought of it just makes me feel so demotivated and I just want to sleep and not think about it. I'm so so dead =/

There's another regarding something that I've applied few months back. It has been processed but half way through, the officers noticed that something was not right and I need to re-do some part of it and it was so much hassle because I'm here not there and everything needed to be done asap and I have so much on my plate and having this was not helping with all that I'm going through. But luckily after much worrying, stressing and asking for help, I got it settled and finally the document has been sent away. Hopefully everything will be alright...

Then I had to reject my friend's invitation to Germany because it was too cold and mom was not very happy with me going to such places at such season so I've decided to go to Italy (way down south) and after much planning and stuff, my mom still have much to pick and complain. I am just so tired and have not been in the best mood to talk to her lately. I prefer sleeping to escape everything and that was what I do yesterday. I switched off my phone and just ignored it for the whole night and morning. I knew I can't escape forever so I switched it on and got all the messages etc....if only I can just sleep and never wake up...

Every month, I make it a point to send my dad an email because I don't skype with him that often since he travels most of the days and he replied me something that really hit home.
'Hope to hear more good news fr u, pa always worry u r alone there but pa believe u can solve ur problems unlike ur sis. Cheer and be happy'
The end where he mentioned my sister just made me laughed so hard LOL

Then yesterday before I switched off my phone, I realised that I have not been talking to my best friend for quite some time. Well, I sent her messages but she rarely replies. I just feel so sad because we were so close and even not meeting for months, we can still talk for hours non stop and just enjoy each other's company but realising that she has not been replying my messages just made me feel so depressed. I blame myself for not making enough effort. Yes, we both are busy but if we make the effort to keep in touch, I'm sure we will be still close with other. But thankfully, she replied this morning and made me feel so much better =)

Another issue. I joined a competition just for fun and guess what. I won and I'll be representing the North East part for the finals. I am so dead. I know nothing and end up with such huge responsibility T.T
I was so shocked and even when they announced my name, I was stunned and shocked. Took picture with a very very stunned face and even one of the judges told me to not look so shocked and should be confident with my skills. Wow....die.....

Right, someone just called me and totally made me laugh so hard that I'm having headache now...

Ranting time end.