Unexpected Expected Outcome

It's been a month since I last updated here.

Just half a week ago, I received an unexpected expected news. Why is it unexpected expected? Well....

I have been having worsening symptoms of hand tremor which is so obvious when I am assisting in theatre and occasional short span of palpitations for the past few months. Feeling warm while others are cold and getting flushed easily (saved me from having to put blusher, not that I use make up) has been something I have been experiencing for the past few years and has been normal to me. Come to think of it, before coming to Aberdeen, I have always felt cold and I hate the library because that's where I spent most of my time studying and it's freezing despite wearing a jacket.

Tremor (and since I now need to pay for the IHS when applying for visa) was why I made an appointment with a GP to get my blood checked. Many of my friends have been teasing me yet at the same time agreeing with my suspicions. The symptoms are all in text books. I finally got my bloods checked even though the GP did not look convinced.

In UK, when the GP calls you, it means the result is abnormal. Just to put it out there.

I called the GP practice at midday, the result was not back, Called again at half 4 as advised and I was told, the result just appeared but the GP has to verify the result before it's released. The receptionist checked my phone number in case the GP needs to call me.
I don't think I was anxious to get the result but after this 2 attempts, I think I was getting more and more worried.

I got a call 30 minutes later from a 'no caller ID'. Normally, I don't answer numbers that I don't recognise but this time, I was half expecting a call.

Quote the GP: " Your diagnosis was spot on! I have been trying to get in touch with the specialist the whole day in regards to starting medications and making a referral but they have not been answering my phone so I will call again tomorrow then update you."

2 things put me into 'red alert' mode
1. Get in touch the whole day- I thought the result just appeared, what do you mean the whole day? Some one is lying!
2. Starting medication- Is my result borderline abnormal that's why you are unsure whether to start on the medication or the result is SO abnormal that you need to check if I should be started on medication or go straight for other options.

My diagnosis is something I should know because it is one of the most asked question in my professional exam yet I realised I do not know anything.

Why is it an unexpected expected outcome? Now you know. I expected it to be the diagnosis but without blood result to confirm it, I didn't believe it. With the outcome in front of me now, I do not know what to do. It's obvious I need to get treated but I am stubborn and stupid. I DO NOT want to take medication even though I NEED it.

At this point, I am still coping with the reality of 'I AM ILL'.
I dislike the idea of taking medications and it could be lifelong.
I hate the fact that I am not normal anymore.
My perfect ideal vision of me is now unachievable.
I despise me, that this has happened to me.

Denial, anger, bargain, depressed and acceptance is the way of grieve, the way patients go through when bad news are being delivered to them. I now know the feeling of this end.

I am still stuck between denial, anger and depressed.
My world is now black or gray and I am compensating it by getting colourful things- flowers, decorating my room walls etc



My wish of dying young just could not come sooner.
Don't you worry, suicidal is not in my books.

Loneliest Day

I call this day the loneliest day of my life.
It's the day I was born, alone.
The day I feel even more lonelier than ever.

I do have friends, amazing friends that take the initiative to make time for me, to get limited edition gifts, to wish me, to remind others that it's my birthday and even to organise a surprise party for me, yet I always prefer to be alone, to keep it as low key as possible.

Why?

I guess as time passes, it's significance dwindle down.
If I look forward to this day every year, I will get disappointed as I start expecting things which rarely will actually happen.
Instead of expecting and feeling sad, I rather treat it as any other normal day.

This year, I've experienced so much changes and a whole lot of ups and downs that I actually for once, forgot it's my birthday.
It was the bank personnel whom I called the day before to change my address, wished me at the end of the call, reminded me that it's 13th of September the next day.

Days go on as usual but this time it's lonelier, quieter and more depressing.

My best friend, for the first time, forgot to wish me too.
I just wish this day could pass quicker.


2010- last celebration with family at home
2011- surprise party
2012- stuck outside of my room in Elgin, spent most of the time alone in the common room moping
2013- weekend before 13/9, housemate organised dinner but on 13/9, at work + nothing happened
2014- presents and cards from various people
2015- lunch with friends and emo
 
I should not feel this way on this day, there's even a wikihow to celebrate birthday alone =.=
http://www.wikihow.com/Celebrate-Your-Birthday-Alone

New Chapter

So it's been almost a month since I moved to this huge city. Things are different and gratefully I am settling in nicely.

I left Aberdeen with a really really heavy heart. The week before my move, my mother and sister flew 18 hours on the plane to be with me for 1 month. I haven't been home for almost 1.5 years.
I haven't got over the sudden loneliness and quietness after they left, yet I needed to move down south for a new chapter of life.

It was a sad 3.5 hours journey down with the van driver that was transporting my luggages, boxes and me down to the new place. On the van, he asked if I'll miss this place. I couldn't stop myself from tearing up and turning away from him to stop this humiliating scene.

One of the stress factor was I haven't found a place to settle in. It is very unusual of me but life throws you something different once a while to keep you in check. Fortunately I have very lovely friends and one of them allowed me to crash while looking for a new place.

Factor number 2- new workplace. I do not know who else was moving to this new city with me so I was nervous. Did manage to see a few familiar faces but none in the surgical department. I was all alone. That was not an issue, but I was also on-call that day and on my first week.

After all the induction and bits and bobs to start the new job, I spent most of my time not knowing where patients were and where I was. I survived that day and that week. My friends here have been fantastic and in no time, I felt comfortable.

Stress factor 3- exam. This is not my first time sitting this professional exam but I was not serious in studying and deserve the failure. Yet all the moving, all these on calls and learning new systems in new places are not giving time to rest.

Post nights are the best time to study because we're given 3 days off but this few weeks, I have been feeling extremely tired and sleep is what I need, not cramping new/ old information into my brain. That said, I am also still not in the mood for studying. No one to blame but me.

This is also one of my escape from studying- updating this blog which no one will read yet it gives satisfaction and time to reflect. I have to be grateful to be where I am now, and to be who I am.
=}

How I wish...

How I wish...

I can turn back time. 
But at this moment, it's something impossible so the next possible thing is 

How I wish...

I was dead. I now truly understand when you want to die just to run away from a problem, to not face the consequences. I haven't made up my mind if I want to die by my own hands or getting hurt by others. 
Maybe if I die saving someone attacked by knife or sharp glass and the it hit my carotid artery and I can't be saved. Maybe that's the way to go for me

How I wish...

I was not this dumb, this stupid to screw things up.  My life is now in a complete mess.

How I wish...

I have friends around me now who I can open up to and be comfortable enough to cry to or rant about my thoughts. 

How I wish...

I have a partner who can truly understands me, who can be with me or let me be as how I need. 

How I wish...

I am dead.

2015

So it's 2015. Well, near the end of January 2015.

It's been a hectic end of 2014 and stressful start of 2015. I think because I have thoroughly enjoyed my FY1 year that I am to suffer in my FY2 year.

Before I start my ranting, I haven't had the chance to reflect on my 2014. Besides working and traveling around, is there much to reflect? Achievements? Careers? Relationships? Money? Well, come to think of it, nothing much changed in my life. Still was a FY1 and now FY2, not much achievements, still happily unavailable, still spending and earning like usual. Hmm, any highlights? Sure there were moments that are worthy to talk about or brag but what's the point. As long as I treasure it and remember it, it's good enough =)

So my 2015 started at the very 'best' place- most north of this island, most 'ulu', boring, stupid, ridiculous happening place.

Besides getting:
Overworked
Unsupported
Stressed
Busy
Low in morale
Unmotivated
Don't give 2 shit about anything
Tired/ Exhausted/ Worn out
Unhappy
Fed-up
Depressed

I'm fine otherwise.

I need a break pronto. Even when I am not working, I need to work on my interview/ portfolio preparation.

Can't wait for end of February. It'll be my first travel in 2015 =)