Unexpected Expected Outcome

It's been a month since I last updated here.

Just half a week ago, I received an unexpected expected news. Why is it unexpected expected? Well....

I have been having worsening symptoms of hand tremor which is so obvious when I am assisting in theatre and occasional short span of palpitations for the past few months. Feeling warm while others are cold and getting flushed easily (saved me from having to put blusher, not that I use make up) has been something I have been experiencing for the past few years and has been normal to me. Come to think of it, before coming to Aberdeen, I have always felt cold and I hate the library because that's where I spent most of my time studying and it's freezing despite wearing a jacket.

Tremor (and since I now need to pay for the IHS when applying for visa) was why I made an appointment with a GP to get my blood checked. Many of my friends have been teasing me yet at the same time agreeing with my suspicions. The symptoms are all in text books. I finally got my bloods checked even though the GP did not look convinced.

In UK, when the GP calls you, it means the result is abnormal. Just to put it out there.

I called the GP practice at midday, the result was not back, Called again at half 4 as advised and I was told, the result just appeared but the GP has to verify the result before it's released. The receptionist checked my phone number in case the GP needs to call me.
I don't think I was anxious to get the result but after this 2 attempts, I think I was getting more and more worried.

I got a call 30 minutes later from a 'no caller ID'. Normally, I don't answer numbers that I don't recognise but this time, I was half expecting a call.

Quote the GP: " Your diagnosis was spot on! I have been trying to get in touch with the specialist the whole day in regards to starting medications and making a referral but they have not been answering my phone so I will call again tomorrow then update you."

2 things put me into 'red alert' mode
1. Get in touch the whole day- I thought the result just appeared, what do you mean the whole day? Some one is lying!
2. Starting medication- Is my result borderline abnormal that's why you are unsure whether to start on the medication or the result is SO abnormal that you need to check if I should be started on medication or go straight for other options.

My diagnosis is something I should know because it is one of the most asked question in my professional exam yet I realised I do not know anything.

Why is it an unexpected expected outcome? Now you know. I expected it to be the diagnosis but without blood result to confirm it, I didn't believe it. With the outcome in front of me now, I do not know what to do. It's obvious I need to get treated but I am stubborn and stupid. I DO NOT want to take medication even though I NEED it.

At this point, I am still coping with the reality of 'I AM ILL'.
I dislike the idea of taking medications and it could be lifelong.
I hate the fact that I am not normal anymore.
My perfect ideal vision of me is now unachievable.
I despise me, that this has happened to me.

Denial, anger, bargain, depressed and acceptance is the way of grieve, the way patients go through when bad news are being delivered to them. I now know the feeling of this end.

I am still stuck between denial, anger and depressed.
My world is now black or gray and I am compensating it by getting colourful things- flowers, decorating my room walls etc



My wish of dying young just could not come sooner.
Don't you worry, suicidal is not in my books.