Ranting Time!!

It has been ages since I wrote here. I have so much bottled up that I feel like I'm suffocating.

It's so difficult to come up with a blardy decision when no one is contributing and no one cares. But freaking hell, this is meant to be a blardy batch event, not my freaking own event. Yes, history has repeated itself but nothing has changed. Yes, I am still doing most of the stuff alone while the others just wait and depend on whatever I'll do. I freaking hell sure that in the end, they'll be not happy with this or that or whatever. I freaking am tired to be in the difficult situation. I'm so tired of compromising for both sides. I can't make a decision because it is not mine to make. Like I say, it's a batch event, not my event and I can't, I just can't take up the role of the dictator and decide everything but you blardy hell guess right. If I were to take up that dictator role, I won't even have to feel this way. Unlike when I was in band, I was given the power to be the dictator and boy did I never had such hard time making decision because I knew it was mine to make, I knew I in the end was the one making the decision but this time, it ain't the same....I'm just so tired. Came up with a compromise suggestion but somehow no one is still really happy. Ya, it's a freaking compromise so everyone will never be satisfied but I just hate how people become so grumpy around me and sending me text that shows how annoyed they are. This is it. I'm going to draw a line and I don't freaking give a damn if I'm going to lose a friend or whatsoever. If it really comes to that, so be it, I am way better off that way than to be this nice person tolerating all the shit I'm receiving from this end. Why is my batch this way? Why are they not as unite or as close as our seniors? At least the senior batch, there is at least 4-5 of them who are a clique but my batch are so separated. I'm just so disappointed and so disheartened.

Besides having this slight hiccup, I have other troubles too. Well, too many in fact. There's one regarding my empty CV. I feel like I have developed amotivational syndrome. Nope, I have not smoked any cannabis but it's the same feeling. Haih, I'm just so lazy in doing anything for it. I know I need to do something but the thought of it just makes me feel so demotivated and I just want to sleep and not think about it. I'm so so dead =/

There's another regarding something that I've applied few months back. It has been processed but half way through, the officers noticed that something was not right and I need to re-do some part of it and it was so much hassle because I'm here not there and everything needed to be done asap and I have so much on my plate and having this was not helping with all that I'm going through. But luckily after much worrying, stressing and asking for help, I got it settled and finally the document has been sent away. Hopefully everything will be alright...

Then I had to reject my friend's invitation to Germany because it was too cold and mom was not very happy with me going to such places at such season so I've decided to go to Italy (way down south) and after much planning and stuff, my mom still have much to pick and complain. I am just so tired and have not been in the best mood to talk to her lately. I prefer sleeping to escape everything and that was what I do yesterday. I switched off my phone and just ignored it for the whole night and morning. I knew I can't escape forever so I switched it on and got all the messages etc....if only I can just sleep and never wake up...

Every month, I make it a point to send my dad an email because I don't skype with him that often since he travels most of the days and he replied me something that really hit home.
'Hope to hear more good news fr u, pa always worry u r alone there but pa believe u can solve ur problems unlike ur sis. Cheer and be happy'
The end where he mentioned my sister just made me laughed so hard LOL

Then yesterday before I switched off my phone, I realised that I have not been talking to my best friend for quite some time. Well, I sent her messages but she rarely replies. I just feel so sad because we were so close and even not meeting for months, we can still talk for hours non stop and just enjoy each other's company but realising that she has not been replying my messages just made me feel so depressed. I blame myself for not making enough effort. Yes, we both are busy but if we make the effort to keep in touch, I'm sure we will be still close with other. But thankfully, she replied this morning and made me feel so much better =)

Another issue. I joined a competition just for fun and guess what. I won and I'll be representing the North East part for the finals. I am so dead. I know nothing and end up with such huge responsibility T.T
I was so shocked and even when they announced my name, I was stunned and shocked. Took picture with a very very stunned face and even one of the judges told me to not look so shocked and should be confident with my skills. Wow....die.....

Right, someone just called me and totally made me laugh so hard that I'm having headache now...

Ranting time end.