Monday, September 14, 2015

Loneliest Day

I call this day the loneliest day of my life.
It's the day I was born, alone.
The day I feel even more lonelier than ever.

I do have friends, amazing friends that take the initiative to make time for me, to get limited edition gifts, to wish me, to remind others that it's my birthday and even to organise a surprise party for me, yet I always prefer to be alone, to keep it as low key as possible.

Why?

I guess as time passes, it's significance dwindle down.
If I look forward to this day every year, I will get disappointed as I start expecting things which rarely will actually happen.
Instead of expecting and feeling sad, I rather treat it as any other normal day.

This year, I've experienced so much changes and a whole lot of ups and downs that I actually for once, forgot it's my birthday.
It was the bank personnel whom I called the day before to change my address, wished me at the end of the call, reminded me that it's 13th of September the next day.

Days go on as usual but this time it's lonelier, quieter and more depressing.

My best friend, for the first time, forgot to wish me too.
I just wish this day could pass quicker.


2010- last celebration with family at home
2011- surprise party
2012- stuck outside of my room in Elgin, spent most of the time alone in the common room moping
2013- weekend before 13/9, housemate organised dinner but on 13/9, at work + nothing happened
2014- presents and cards from various people
2015- lunch with friends and emo
 
I should not feel this way on this day, there's even a wikihow to celebrate birthday alone =.=
http://www.wikihow.com/Celebrate-Your-Birthday-Alone

Monday, August 31, 2015

New Chapter

So it's been almost a month since I moved to this huge city. Things are different and gratefully I am settling in nicely.

I left Aberdeen with a really really heavy heart. The week before my move, my mother and sister flew 18 hours on the plane to be with me for 1 month. I haven't been home for almost 1.5 years.
I haven't got over the sudden loneliness and quietness after they left, yet I needed to move down south for a new chapter of life.

It was a sad 3.5 hours journey down with the van driver that was transporting my luggages, boxes and me down to the new place. On the van, he asked if I'll miss this place. I couldn't stop myself from tearing up and turning away from him to stop this humiliating scene.

One of the stress factor was I haven't found a place to settle in. It is very unusual of me but life throws you something different once a while to keep you in check. Fortunately I have very lovely friends and one of them allowed me to crash while looking for a new place.

Factor number 2- new workplace. I do not know who else was moving to this new city with me so I was nervous. Did manage to see a few familiar faces but none in the surgical department. I was all alone. That was not an issue, but I was also on-call that day and on my first week.

After all the induction and bits and bobs to start the new job, I spent most of my time not knowing where patients were and where I was. I survived that day and that week. My friends here have been fantastic and in no time, I felt comfortable.

Stress factor 3- exam. This is not my first time sitting this professional exam but I was not serious in studying and deserve the failure. Yet all the moving, all these on calls and learning new systems in new places are not giving time to rest.

Post nights are the best time to study because we're given 3 days off but this few weeks, I have been feeling extremely tired and sleep is what I need, not cramping new/ old information into my brain. That said, I am also still not in the mood for studying. No one to blame but me.

This is also one of my escape from studying- updating this blog which no one will read yet it gives satisfaction and time to reflect. I have to be grateful to be where I am now, and to be who I am.
=}

Friday, February 6, 2015

How I wish...

How I wish...

I can turn back time. 
But at this moment, it's something impossible so the next possible thing is 

How I wish...

I was dead. I now truly understand when you want to die just to run away from a problem, to not face the consequences. I haven't made up my mind if I want to die by my own hands or getting hurt by others. 
Maybe if I die saving someone attacked by knife or sharp glass and the it hit my carotid artery and I can't be saved. Maybe that's the way to go for me

How I wish...

I was not this dumb, this stupid to screw things up.  My life is now in a complete mess.

How I wish...

I have friends around me now who I can open up to and be comfortable enough to cry to or rant about my thoughts. 

How I wish...

I have a partner who can truly understands me, who can be with me or let me be as how I need. 

How I wish...

I am dead.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

2015

So it's 2015. Well, near the end of January 2015.

It's been a hectic end of 2014 and stressful start of 2015. I think because I have thoroughly enjoyed my FY1 year that I am to suffer in my FY2 year.

Before I start my ranting, I haven't had the chance to reflect on my 2014. Besides working and traveling around, is there much to reflect? Achievements? Careers? Relationships? Money? Well, come to think of it, nothing much changed in my life. Still was a FY1 and now FY2, not much achievements, still happily unavailable, still spending and earning like usual. Hmm, any highlights? Sure there were moments that are worthy to talk about or brag but what's the point. As long as I treasure it and remember it, it's good enough =)

So my 2015 started at the very 'best' place- most north of this island, most 'ulu', boring, stupid, ridiculous happening place.

Besides getting:
Overworked
Unsupported
Stressed
Busy
Low in morale
Unmotivated
Don't give 2 shit about anything
Tired/ Exhausted/ Worn out
Unhappy
Fed-up
Depressed

I'm fine otherwise.

I need a break pronto. Even when I am not working, I need to work on my interview/ portfolio preparation.

Can't wait for end of February. It'll be my first travel in 2015 =)


Monday, November 17, 2014

Olá Portugal =)

I was meant to travel to Portugal one and a half year ago with my friends but I forgot about a course I signed up for and after paying for the flights and accommodation to Portugal, I had to forgo the trip.
1.5 years later, I finally visited Portugal. I have been traveling around Europe alone when I have the off days in my haphazard work schedule but this time, I found a friend/ junior/ work colleague to travel with.

Having to travel with a companion is very different compared to traveling alone. Besides the constant flow of conversation with another human being, I took more risk and had the courage to do things that I won't allow myself to do if I were alone. A good change I think.

Now, more stories to follow.

Portugal is beautiful but if I were to travel alone, it might be another city to me, but things were more fun with a friend around =P

We went to Lisbon- Sintra- Rabo da Roca- Coimbra- Porto.

Lisbon had a lot of history, culture and pastries. I found the person who colonised Melaka- Alfonso de Albuqueque and the locals were amazed that I knew him. There is a famous Portuguese poet named Pessoa who amazingly created multiple (I think >100) pen names with personalities, background stories and signature for each pen names. How cool is that?
Now, Belem is a part of Lisbon that has beautiful buildings, breathtaking cathedral and of course the one and only Pasteis de Belem- Portuguese tart. Other Portuguese tarts besides the one made in Belem are called pastel de nata. Rumour: there's 3 pastry chef for the Pasteis de Belem and they can't eat, fly or travel together in case all 3 dies at the same time and the secret recipe will be lost forever.
Another interesting part of Lisbon is Alfama, here the architectural is so different as well. Had the chance to listen to their local music- Fado music which is in the UNESCO cultural/ Hermitage list. Interesting city. Oh ya, there's a cherry liqueur called Ginja which is absolutely lovely. It is served in a small edible chocolate cup and on a cold rainy day, this liqueur is really really good.

Sintra was a day trip where we visited the few touristy places- Pena Palace which was like a fairy tale castle as it was so colourful and architecturally interesting; Castle of Moors which was like another castle but at this place, we could see the whole Sintra; National palace of Sintra and Municipal of Sintra. Travesseiro aka pillow is the pastry that needs to be tasted and it reminds me of my home pastry- kaya kok/ puff =P

Next, we went to Cabo da Roca, the westernmost of mainland Portugal and continental Europe. We watched the sunset and caught the last 2nd bus back to Cascais for the train to Lisbon.

For tourist looking for a day trip from Lisbon to Sintra then to Cabo da Roca, you can get the day pass for metro + bus pass for 15 euros. Start travelling from Rossio station in Lisbon to Sintra, take the bus 434 (included in the day pass) around Sintra then bus 403 (included in the day pass) to Cabo da Roca. The last bus from Cabo da Roca if I am not mistaken is 1945 back to Cascais then train (also included in day pass) to Lisbon but the train will stop at Cais do Sodre instead of Rossio. If you have the time, stop by belem (on the way to Cais do Sodre station) and have the Pasteis de Belem =P

Next we went to Coimbra, the city of students because the oldest and largest universities in Portugal are here, The historical universities buildings are classified as World Herritage by UNESCO in 2013 (according to wikipedia). Unfortunately it was a rainy stormy day so most of my time in Coimbra were spent having coffee and cakes in the cafes.

Porto, the city of port wine =)
On arrival to my hostel, I was pleasantly surprised as it was cheap and the room was large spacious and multiple beds to choose to sleep. We ended up rotating on different bed each night. (1 double, 1 couch, 2 single beds) Oh, did I forget to mention that there was a TV with multiple channels showing American series? Perfect activity before bedtime.
Now Porto is beautiful with the Duoro river running through. But this city left a deep impression in me because in this city, I learned to properly let my hair down and went a bit wild. Remember I said when travelling with a companion, there's more courage and risk taking? Yup, that was what happened. Yup, lots of alcohol involved too but nope, I did not get drunk, was sober throughout =P


Traveling around Europe, mingling with locals, I have experienced in almost each travel, a lot of catcalls or being approached by creepy men. Portugal did not miss that opportunity too. Just to name a few that stood out:
Edinburgh- I was carried down Royal Mile in a fireman's carry position by a random stranger
Italy, Belgium, Ireland- was offered drinks and hinted for something else out of it
Paris- was starred at, followed then asked to sit beside him on a bench while he mumbled French
Portugal- walked pass me a few times and each time mumbled some Portuguese while smiling creepily

I have indeed enjoyed this trip and after returning home, I had 5 days rest before getting back to work. How did I spend my last 5 days? Stalking people with the power of Google, Facebook and Linkedin. It's bad, I know, but I have achieved my goals for stalking and will start work in a few hours time so no more stalking for me until the next travel.

Obrigado =P