COVID 19 in 2021

Hello!! I just noticed that my last blog post was exactly 1 year ago today. How funny is this. My last post was during Covid's 1st wave. Since then, 2nd wave happened and predicting 3rd wave if this vaccine programme fails. I have now moved back to the main city and things are different. People are just tired and fed up with all these lockdown. I have been dealing with a few adulting things such as mortgage, grant searching for research etc Am I still angry? Sometimes I think mostly because I feel like I am stuck/ stagnant at where I am. No obvious visible progression. Work has not been as satisfying and with all the restrictions from indoor dining, mixing with friends from other household etc, it feels like another year wasted. I should feel more motivated in pursuing academic world but when work is not going as smoothly as it should, it affected my motivation and drive. I still like research etc but the essential autodrive to achieve quick result is failing. It took me a few months to realise that I am not enjoying work, I am frustrated with my lack of efficiency and initiative and I am going through a vicious cycle. So I took annual leave proper (took some over pre-Xmas period but end up still going into work) and 1st week was basically dealing with adult life stress and second week was basically catching up with friends locally and internationally. Longest conversation that week was 8 hours. Restrictions are easing but traveling overseas is still not allowed. Vaccine programme is going as plan here in this country but when I see messages circulating on the internet or shared by my family, it drives me up the wall. All the non- evidence based speculations are trusted more than what study results showed. I like how a researcher explained the situation we are currently in and the choices we should make. ' Imagine you are in a building that is on fire and there is a car that can save your life. Would you question if the car is ferarri or porche or BMW? No, you take the car and drive out of the building!' Stop spreading that pfizer or Astrazeneca or China's Sinovac is better. Just get the vaccine! One of my friend was refusing to take the Covid vaccine because he was worried that he will be infertile. What?! How?! *facepalm* And the media reporting about the rare cerebral venous thrombosis complications and the speculations surround it, fearmongering the already doubful vaccine population. Look at the other side of the coin, at least there is an adverse reaction reporting system. How sure are the other vaccine from other countries are accurately reporting their complications? Politics are too complex for my simpleton brain so I shall refrain from going into that rabbit hole. Recently (actually yesterday) just came back from an essential travel to renew my Passport and had a very pleasant nice surprise to meet a few juniors at the Embassy and end up hanging out together going food hunting. The renewal process was so smooth and I was stress over lack of information so my next post will be on that, hopefully help a few people who were in my situation. With what's been going on in other countries, I should be grateful for still being alive, healthy as well as having my family and friends still staying safe and healthy. When I hear news about the situation in India, I tear up. The Indian doctors in this country must have feel strongly about going home to be with family or help out but with travel ban and the risk of not coming back to this current work place, it's such a difficult choice. I feel for them =( Let's all hang in there and stay safe everyone!

COVID 19 in 2020

How is everyone?
Still alive and breathing well?
I hope so...

This pandemic has affected many of us in different ways.
I know how it affected me....it made me an angry person.
The grieving process always starts with denial, anger, bargain, depressed and lastly acceptance.

I have skipped denial because I know it's real and happening but stuck in the anger stage...still.

Mid March when everything started, I was frustrated with my surrounding colleagues for being acopia (unable to cope). I was angry at their inability to do their job, what they have signed up for and having pre- PTSD.

After 1 month, I can still feel my anger seeping out as I type here......*switch zen music on*...

So my fellow 'front- liner' aka people who works in ITU were complaining about wearing the PPE, unable to see or breathe properly whilst they are doing lines, complaining about the lack of cleaners coming to clean the flat (they can't even clean the common room/ kitchen that's why hoping cleaners will do the job for them) and get this, demanding the director to come and let them know that it is ok to be scared and anxious at times like this. Get off your high horse, OMG!!! People are dying left right and center without love ones beside them while struggling to breathe and you guys are complaining about all these minute stuff?? So called heroes? Not so here....

The next wave of anger was when people who were traveling back to cities (main home) from work accommodation were told to stay put instead of driving >1hour back to cities as covid was more pronounced and it is considered as non- essential travel. This kicked up a huge fuss, especially from a small group of 'very-smart' people threatening to bring this to court/ quit etc as it was against their human rights. Come on, we have a pandemic here and your selfish needs of wanting to sleep in double bed in your own home is not essential!! Anyway, after the deanery had a discussion with government, they slacked the rules for them so these bunch of people can be happy, travel and spread the covid further.

On top of all these dramas, the education centre decided to throw in some toys to these bunch of people who are employed and earning salary (while many have became jobless during this pandemic, worried about feeding their family and paying off loans/ mortgages) to keep them occupied and happy. Like how when a baby throws a tantrum, you just feed it sweets or toys to get them entertained and happy again. This bunch of salary earning adults get to choose what 'toys' they want. Things that have been requested are: gym stuff, yoga mats, Frisbees, badminton, sports stuff, board games etc..... can you not fork out <5 a="" be="" can="" for="" frisbees="" go="" gym="" lifted="" lockdown="" nbsp="" not="" own="" p="" pay="" pounds="" proper="" the="" then="" to="" wait="" you="" your="">
It made me realised, people here feel 'entitled' or this is their way of coping...I don't know. A month down the road, I thought I will be cool, chill and have adapted the 'I don't care' attitude but the more I recall and write here, the more I am still seething.

So I have made a conclusion, being angry is the way for me to cope with all this shit.

Stay well, stay at home and stay happy =)

Annual entry 2019

Almost another year has past since I have been back here. I am indeed older and looking back at my all posts, I can't believe how naive and childish I was. Guess maturity comes with time.

So much has happened, so much has changed but this place remains the same.

Just want to drop a note here to keep this special place alive.

Annual entry

It's been almost a year since I wrote anything here. Browsing through my other links of my friend's/ acquaintance's blogs, not many are still active so I doubt many will see this.

Life has indeed go on.

So much has happened since my last entry. Many ups and downs, worries, stress, joy, success and failures. I have learned so much and I hope I am a better person.

What triggered this random visit? Well, not much, just boredom from the mundane routine life. I don't find anything on internet as interesting as I used to. Hobbies have all gone down the drain. I want to dance again, be flexible, be able to jump and split, be able to have my stamina back. I want to play music again, to express the emotions without words, to entertain others. I want my resilient in finishing a book, I struggle to keep my eyes open after a page of anything. I want to be young and fit again. To have all those angst and energy.

I have been receiving snail mails from my friends recently which totally cheer me up on a boring day. So much has changed but we are still who we were, deep down. Childhood is such a precious phase of life. So innocent, so much to experience and learn. Not that I am very old but I do feel older. I am not as active, as fit, as flexible, as absorbance as I used to be.

I find myself losing confidence and self esteem still (nothing changed in that department) but having a good face mask to give people the confidence in me. But deep down, I worry and doubt all the time. I told my supervisor this as a small chat along the corridor and the reply was 'you should be more cocky, you deserve it.' LOL

I just want to turn back time. Maybe I need a break, a real break from everything.

PS- it's autumn, dark by 5pm hence the emo-ness. Apologies.

Loyalty

My last post was in February 2016 when I last went home. A friend (an old friend would be more appropriate) was surprised to find my blog is still alive and I could only think of the word 'loyal'.

Before I proceed with my random rants on loyalty, I would like to shout out to WH, my old friend who feels older today because....it's his birthday!!!!
Happy Happy Birthday WH =)
Stay happy and healthy!!

WH and I knew each other (I am sure) for more than 10 years. It started off with simple bantering and insults over a chat forum on band topics then subsequently we met for the first time for a Flora Fest in 2007. I could only describe that first meeting as awkward and funny. For those of you who doesn't really know me, I always still do call myself fat, ugly and dumb. So my friend here, was looking forward to meeting a fat female person....and... he met me. Our first face to face conversation at the train station was- ' I was looking for a fat person!' LOL!!!!

Anyway, we somehow kept in touch and till today whilst he is at the other end of the world from my current place, we still kinda keep in touch. The last time we met up was in Dec 2011 (oops, it's been almost 6years! Hey WH, if you are reading this, it's been too long, time to catch up!! =P) but we still occasionally talk via modern technology. I am pleased to know that he is happy and doing well in life. Kudos to you!!

True friendship as time passes by, is difficult to maintain or find. Friends/ pals/ bro or sis from another mother etc that we formed when we were in our childhood or teenage years are so precious as we are as pure as we can be at that time. We are so comfortable with our friends and we didn't need to put on any masks not that I am putting on any now because I am so stupid hence I am so easily readable at work! As we grow older, meet more people, expand our circle of friends/ cliques/ network, we form who we are today but when we meet our old childhood friends, most of us evolve back to our old childish happy self. That is important because that was who we are, the start of every relationship since.

There has been changes in life for the past 2 years, from exams to work to relationships. Talking about work, many people said I was mistreated, a victim to a certain boss. But to me, I didn't find any of those true. To give you an idea, I was a trainee and at my work place, we are attached to a boss for 6 months so last year, instead of 2 bosses, I had 3 bosses. One semi- retired boss who was part time for 3-4 months, then when he officially left, I was attached to a new boss who was new to everything for 2-3 months and the last 6 months to a boss who was THE BOSS. Talking about training, if I were to compare myself to other trainees of my level, I lack in so many ways because instead of being trained like others, my training was service provision, working extra shifts that are lacking cover, lack of 'cutting' time etc. And THE BOSS is a, well strict would be an understatement. You can kinda guess what type of boss that is.

Anyway, prior to working under THE BOSS (TB for short), I was warned that all female trainees under TB cried most days due to the stress from TB. My first day with TB, I was told by TB that EVERYTHING I DO WILL BE WRONG, ACCEPT THAT FACT. I accepted that fact easily because, well, I am stupid and I don't even trust myself LOL. With this mentality, we got on well (I didn't cry so far so all is well) but there are moments where TB can be cross in general (not towards me) but others see it as TB was bullying me. Staff members check on me after 'discussions' between TB and me LOL!!

Anyway, after a year, I got another 1 year extension and my loyalty was tested. Do I move on to another place or stick with this place with a promotion? I was in a dilemma and I could not make up my mind. I didn't want to burn my bridges here and at the same time I didn't want to lose out on a possible better work place. In the end, I chose comfort of knowing the workplace and fellow staff member, security and loyalty over moving to a new workplace. Do I have regrets? No because I am still happy despite working harder and longer hours all my fault to be honest because I love work too much. Today is my first break after working 12 days straight which includes being oncall 61 hours straight. Calculating the hours, I have worked 155 hours for the past 12 days, 1.6 times the hours allowed according to European Working Time Directive (average of 48 hours in a week).

But all is well, I am resting today and I have yet to crash. I shall stop as I can continue for hours and I have other stuff to sort out aka life. So till the next post, take care!

PS: I was at a clinic with a patient and after he left the clinic, he told one of the staff that I am hilarious and can be a stand up comedian. So if I ever become jobless, I know that I will have some audience as a stand up comedian =P