Surprise!!!!!

I'm so sleepy and tired that I can't seem to gather my thoughts (wanted to stay up the whole night but ended up sleeping for the past 3 hours). Just to throw in a few points that I am lazy to elaborate
- the row of seats for my first flight were filled by IMU juniors
- Many air stewards working in 2nd flight, cute looking =P
- had tea poured all over my hand while I was replying my pen pal's letters but it's ok


Right on arrival, while waiting for my luggage, many thoughts ran through my mind. What if my family is away? What if they'll be angry that I wasted money? What if because of this trip, I subsequently fail my exam again? What if I have forgotten to do something with dateline? What if...I didn't know how or what to feel. I know what does mix feelings means.

Walked out after collecting my small luggage bag and there my friend was. Like I said, I have too many friends that are too nice to me. TOO NICE to me. I am totally not worth their time but I am really grateful. This is the first time a friend picked me up from the airport =)

First thing asked- are you hungry? Let's go for satay hehehe

When I arrived home, my house was quiet and I couldn't see anyone in the living room. Spritz was all over the gate jumping up and down. I went to the porch and peeped into the master bedroom, saw that my sis and mom are sleeping but my sis is still using her phone in the dark.

I went out to get my luggage but I think my sister heard the gate opening twice so went out and when she saw me she went...
Maaaaa.....Maaaa....Maaaaaaaaa!!!
My brother who was home rushed out from the toilet to check what's the situation
My mother rushed out too

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!

They were happy and smiling =)
No scolding hehe

We talked till 1am and then they went back to bed.

Now that I think bout it, I totally didn't know what to do with my friend. When my family came out, I think he went into his car and eventually drove off. OMG, should I have introduced him? What should I have done???!!!! I feel bad....they satay meal was paid by him too?!!!!! Oh no.....

Anyway, my dad is away working because he knew that I won't be home for CNY. I think he will be angry but hopefully not too angry =/

I promise I'll write better next time. I got to go to my aunt's and uncle's place for lunch (my mom told them I am back >.<)

Too Spontaneous Unlike Me

I just returned from home (Malaysia) on 2/2/16 and have been trying hard to surpress my homesickness. Besides needing to cope with new job, new hospital, new environment, new colleagues, new computer system, I have jetlag to deal with. I've been sleeping at 8pm and waking up at 11ish pm and forcing myself back to sleep at 1-2 am yet waking up at 3-4am. I have been struggling with fatigue for the past 3 days.

This morning, I woke up at 4am and was on Fb. There were so many CNY wishes and videos about going home to celebrate with family. I suddenly felt so sad and couldn't contain my tears, bawling my eyes out while trying to be quiet. Just 30min before heading out to work, I had the craziest idea. I could try arranging my annual leave today and fly out tonight.

I felt like I had a mission and the rest of day was a blur. I was having second thoughts after asking the rota person. I had more doubts after speaking to my consultant who was the head of department. I was unsure if this is a correct decision. I had no more rationality but I knew that adrenaline was pumping ferociously in my veins.

My dad and bro said 'it'll be too tiring'. My mom said 'come home if you miss home, don't if you need to stay back'. I was indecisive. Am I too irrational? When my junior colleague asked how much is the flight, it dawn on to me I didn't even check. Anyway, I thought since I've managed to arrange my annual leave, might as well just go. I have spent 2000£ for the past few days registering for exam, courses and now this flight.

My friend offered to pick me up from airport and send me to airport if I need to. I have too many friends that are too nice to me. By 3pm, I've bought my flight ticket. I'm going! My registrar and colleagues from previous jobs were supportive and encouraging. Miss them a lot.

Currently in airport. I feel sick, nauseous and hungry as I have yet to have any meal besides my cereals at 5am. I can't believe it. I'm flying home after coming back for 3 days.

First time being too spontaneous. First time surprising my family. First time having a friend picking me up from airport. Many first times but not the first time home for CNY and hopefully not the last.

Hopefully I'll have a safe flight and boy there's so many ppl on the plane. I guess home is where the heart is =}

Unexpected Expected Outcome

It's been a month since I last updated here.

Just half a week ago, I received an unexpected expected news. Why is it unexpected expected? Well....

I have been having worsening symptoms of hand tremor which is so obvious when I am assisting in theatre and occasional short span of palpitations for the past few months. Feeling warm while others are cold and getting flushed easily (saved me from having to put blusher, not that I use make up) has been something I have been experiencing for the past few years and has been normal to me. Come to think of it, before coming to Aberdeen, I have always felt cold and I hate the library because that's where I spent most of my time studying and it's freezing despite wearing a jacket.

Tremor (and since I now need to pay for the IHS when applying for visa) was why I made an appointment with a GP to get my blood checked. Many of my friends have been teasing me yet at the same time agreeing with my suspicions. The symptoms are all in text books. I finally got my bloods checked even though the GP did not look convinced.

In UK, when the GP calls you, it means the result is abnormal. Just to put it out there.

I called the GP practice at midday, the result was not back, Called again at half 4 as advised and I was told, the result just appeared but the GP has to verify the result before it's released. The receptionist checked my phone number in case the GP needs to call me.
I don't think I was anxious to get the result but after this 2 attempts, I think I was getting more and more worried.

I got a call 30 minutes later from a 'no caller ID'. Normally, I don't answer numbers that I don't recognise but this time, I was half expecting a call.

Quote the GP: " Your diagnosis was spot on! I have been trying to get in touch with the specialist the whole day in regards to starting medications and making a referral but they have not been answering my phone so I will call again tomorrow then update you."

2 things put me into 'red alert' mode
1. Get in touch the whole day- I thought the result just appeared, what do you mean the whole day? Some one is lying!
2. Starting medication- Is my result borderline abnormal that's why you are unsure whether to start on the medication or the result is SO abnormal that you need to check if I should be started on medication or go straight for other options.

My diagnosis is something I should know because it is one of the most asked question in my professional exam yet I realised I do not know anything.

Why is it an unexpected expected outcome? Now you know. I expected it to be the diagnosis but without blood result to confirm it, I didn't believe it. With the outcome in front of me now, I do not know what to do. It's obvious I need to get treated but I am stubborn and stupid. I DO NOT want to take medication even though I NEED it.

At this point, I am still coping with the reality of 'I AM ILL'.
I dislike the idea of taking medications and it could be lifelong.
I hate the fact that I am not normal anymore.
My perfect ideal vision of me is now unachievable.
I despise me, that this has happened to me.

Denial, anger, bargain, depressed and acceptance is the way of grieve, the way patients go through when bad news are being delivered to them. I now know the feeling of this end.

I am still stuck between denial, anger and depressed.
My world is now black or gray and I am compensating it by getting colourful things- flowers, decorating my room walls etc



My wish of dying young just could not come sooner.
Don't you worry, suicidal is not in my books.

Loneliest Day

I call this day the loneliest day of my life.
It's the day I was born, alone.
The day I feel even more lonelier than ever.

I do have friends, amazing friends that take the initiative to make time for me, to get limited edition gifts, to wish me, to remind others that it's my birthday and even to organise a surprise party for me, yet I always prefer to be alone, to keep it as low key as possible.

Why?

I guess as time passes, it's significance dwindle down.
If I look forward to this day every year, I will get disappointed as I start expecting things which rarely will actually happen.
Instead of expecting and feeling sad, I rather treat it as any other normal day.

This year, I've experienced so much changes and a whole lot of ups and downs that I actually for once, forgot it's my birthday.
It was the bank personnel whom I called the day before to change my address, wished me at the end of the call, reminded me that it's 13th of September the next day.

Days go on as usual but this time it's lonelier, quieter and more depressing.

My best friend, for the first time, forgot to wish me too.
I just wish this day could pass quicker.


2010- last celebration with family at home
2011- surprise party
2012- stuck outside of my room in Elgin, spent most of the time alone in the common room moping
2013- weekend before 13/9, housemate organised dinner but on 13/9, at work + nothing happened
2014- presents and cards from various people
2015- lunch with friends and emo
 
I should not feel this way on this day, there's even a wikihow to celebrate birthday alone =.=
http://www.wikihow.com/Celebrate-Your-Birthday-Alone

New Chapter

So it's been almost a month since I moved to this huge city. Things are different and gratefully I am settling in nicely.

I left Aberdeen with a really really heavy heart. The week before my move, my mother and sister flew 18 hours on the plane to be with me for 1 month. I haven't been home for almost 1.5 years.
I haven't got over the sudden loneliness and quietness after they left, yet I needed to move down south for a new chapter of life.

It was a sad 3.5 hours journey down with the van driver that was transporting my luggages, boxes and me down to the new place. On the van, he asked if I'll miss this place. I couldn't stop myself from tearing up and turning away from him to stop this humiliating scene.

One of the stress factor was I haven't found a place to settle in. It is very unusual of me but life throws you something different once a while to keep you in check. Fortunately I have very lovely friends and one of them allowed me to crash while looking for a new place.

Factor number 2- new workplace. I do not know who else was moving to this new city with me so I was nervous. Did manage to see a few familiar faces but none in the surgical department. I was all alone. That was not an issue, but I was also on-call that day and on my first week.

After all the induction and bits and bobs to start the new job, I spent most of my time not knowing where patients were and where I was. I survived that day and that week. My friends here have been fantastic and in no time, I felt comfortable.

Stress factor 3- exam. This is not my first time sitting this professional exam but I was not serious in studying and deserve the failure. Yet all the moving, all these on calls and learning new systems in new places are not giving time to rest.

Post nights are the best time to study because we're given 3 days off but this few weeks, I have been feeling extremely tired and sleep is what I need, not cramping new/ old information into my brain. That said, I am also still not in the mood for studying. No one to blame but me.

This is also one of my escape from studying- updating this blog which no one will read yet it gives satisfaction and time to reflect. I have to be grateful to be where I am now, and to be who I am.
=}