Annual entry

It's been almost a year since I wrote anything here. Browsing through my other links of my friend's/ acquaintance's blogs, not many are still active so I doubt many will see this.

Life has indeed go on.

So much has happened since my last entry. Many ups and downs, worries, stress, joy, success and failures. I have learned so much and I hope I am a better person.

What triggered this random visit? Well, not much, just boredom from the mundane routine life. I don't find anything on internet as interesting as I used to. Hobbies have all gone down the drain. I want to dance again, be flexible, be able to jump and split, be able to have my stamina back. I want to play music again, to express the emotions without words, to entertain others. I want my resilient in finishing a book, I struggle to keep my eyes open after a page of anything. I want to be young and fit again. To have all those angst and energy.

I have been receiving snail mails from my friends recently which totally cheer me up on a boring day. So much has changed but we are still who we were, deep down. Childhood is such a precious phase of life. So innocent, so much to experience and learn. Not that I am very old but I do feel older. I am not as active, as fit, as flexible, as absorbance as I used to be.

I find myself losing confidence and self esteem still (nothing changed in that department) but having a good face mask to give people the confidence in me. But deep down, I worry and doubt all the time. I told my supervisor this as a small chat along the corridor and the reply was 'you should be more cocky, you deserve it.' LOL

I just want to turn back time. Maybe I need a break, a real break from everything.

PS- it's autumn, dark by 5pm hence the emo-ness. Apologies.

Loyalty

My last post was in February 2016 when I last went home. A friend (an old friend would be more appropriate) was surprised to find my blog is still alive and I could only think of the word 'loyal'.

Before I proceed with my random rants on loyalty, I would like to shout out to WH, my old friend who feels older today because....it's his birthday!!!!
Happy Happy Birthday WH =)
Stay happy and healthy!!

WH and I knew each other (I am sure) for more than 10 years. It started off with simple bantering and insults over a chat forum on band topics then subsequently we met for the first time for a Flora Fest in 2007. I could only describe that first meeting as awkward and funny. For those of you who doesn't really know me, I always still do call myself fat, ugly and dumb. So my friend here, was looking forward to meeting a fat female person....and... he met me. Our first face to face conversation at the train station was- ' I was looking for a fat person!' LOL!!!!

Anyway, we somehow kept in touch and till today whilst he is at the other end of the world from my current place, we still kinda keep in touch. The last time we met up was in Dec 2011 (oops, it's been almost 6years! Hey WH, if you are reading this, it's been too long, time to catch up!! =P) but we still occasionally talk via modern technology. I am pleased to know that he is happy and doing well in life. Kudos to you!!

True friendship as time passes by, is difficult to maintain or find. Friends/ pals/ bro or sis from another mother etc that we formed when we were in our childhood or teenage years are so precious as we are as pure as we can be at that time. We are so comfortable with our friends and we didn't need to put on any masks not that I am putting on any now because I am so stupid hence I am so easily readable at work! As we grow older, meet more people, expand our circle of friends/ cliques/ network, we form who we are today but when we meet our old childhood friends, most of us evolve back to our old childish happy self. That is important because that was who we are, the start of every relationship since.

There has been changes in life for the past 2 years, from exams to work to relationships. Talking about work, many people said I was mistreated, a victim to a certain boss. But to me, I didn't find any of those true. To give you an idea, I was a trainee and at my work place, we are attached to a boss for 6 months so last year, instead of 2 bosses, I had 3 bosses. One semi- retired boss who was part time for 3-4 months, then when he officially left, I was attached to a new boss who was new to everything for 2-3 months and the last 6 months to a boss who was THE BOSS. Talking about training, if I were to compare myself to other trainees of my level, I lack in so many ways because instead of being trained like others, my training was service provision, working extra shifts that are lacking cover, lack of 'cutting' time etc. And THE BOSS is a, well strict would be an understatement. You can kinda guess what type of boss that is.

Anyway, prior to working under THE BOSS (TB for short), I was warned that all female trainees under TB cried most days due to the stress from TB. My first day with TB, I was told by TB that EVERYTHING I DO WILL BE WRONG, ACCEPT THAT FACT. I accepted that fact easily because, well, I am stupid and I don't even trust myself LOL. With this mentality, we got on well (I didn't cry so far so all is well) but there are moments where TB can be cross in general (not towards me) but others see it as TB was bullying me. Staff members check on me after 'discussions' between TB and me LOL!!

Anyway, after a year, I got another 1 year extension and my loyalty was tested. Do I move on to another place or stick with this place with a promotion? I was in a dilemma and I could not make up my mind. I didn't want to burn my bridges here and at the same time I didn't want to lose out on a possible better work place. In the end, I chose comfort of knowing the workplace and fellow staff member, security and loyalty over moving to a new workplace. Do I have regrets? No because I am still happy despite working harder and longer hours all my fault to be honest because I love work too much. Today is my first break after working 12 days straight which includes being oncall 61 hours straight. Calculating the hours, I have worked 155 hours for the past 12 days, 1.6 times the hours allowed according to European Working Time Directive (average of 48 hours in a week).

But all is well, I am resting today and I have yet to crash. I shall stop as I can continue for hours and I have other stuff to sort out aka life. So till the next post, take care!

PS: I was at a clinic with a patient and after he left the clinic, he told one of the staff that I am hilarious and can be a stand up comedian. So if I ever become jobless, I know that I will have some audience as a stand up comedian =P

Angry, fuming, disappointed, helpless

I'm back again. New department is not as organised as my previous department. My rota (work schedule) consists of night shift on Monday, post night zero day on Tuesday, day shift on Wednesday, long day shift on Thursday, back to day shift on Friday followed by night shift on Saturday and Sunday again. Its not doing my sleep pattern any good and its making me binge eat.

Anyway, the title of my post is the reason I am here. I rarely talk about my family but this time, I just have to.

My granny had a fall towards the end of CNY. I have a relative (let's name it IT) who works in the medical field. I believe IT recently graduated and should be in the housemanship phase. So, IT felt that everything is fine because quote IT 'granny is standing with minimal support'. Unfortunately granny has been complaining of severe thigh pain and according to my dad, she could not even move her leg due to pain. For the sake of 'family harmony', he felt that bringing granny home will be the best option. Now at this point, granny is still in a lot of pain and Dr. IT has (I presume) 'examined' and give it the all clear. When my dad told me the situation, I strongly suggested an XR to help in determining the cause of the pain eg. Fracture.

My dad brought granny home (traveled 5-6 hours journey) and went to the hospital which showed a fracture on the XR. Sadly, a lay person was there and the only information I got was that there is a broken bone at hip joint. Now, for those of you who are interested, a broken bone at hip joint could represent a lot of things and the most important complication we are (I am) worried is something called avascular necrosis (bone dies due to lack of blood supply).

I am furious because of the attitude of IT who didn't give a shit care on the pain my granny was experiencing. IT even lied to my dad that my granny could walk or stand with little help when my granny was obviously in severe pain (pain is a good sign that something is not right) and was suffering. As a doctor, IT is duty bound to care, examine properly and give a good useful advice instead of ignoring the white elephant in the room. More over, we are talking about family!! Wouldn't you care even a bit?? This is so wrong!! Maybe you'll say that IT is still new as a doctor but isn't it obvious that something is not right when a 80 over year old lady (high chance osteoporosis has set in) had a fall, in severe pain and is not moving the leg. If IT was not sure, sending granny to see a proper doctor ain't that difficult right?

With this kind of attitude, lack of compassion or empathy and NEGLIGENCE, IT is causing more harm than good. IT is a very dangerous doctor and I worry for the patients that are under IT's care. Innocent lives will be sacrificed for the sake of the stupid attitude which is appauling, outrageous and unacceptable!

IT is the annoying brat 'special' child who scored top in class,  gets spoiled and gets all IT's way. I've never liked IT fully and something IT said years ago when I was all alone in the rural Wick with no other Asians around during CNY period was very insensitive and that made me stop talking to IT (only when we face each other). At first I thought I was being bias due to my dislike of IT, but this time, I think it's justifiable to feel this way.

I would love to confront IT, to hear what IT got to say before I pounce on IT but my dad asked me not to say anything, and again, for the sake of 'family harmony'. If I get to do my way, I will not be living in a lie, wearing masks even among people I call family!! I am so disappointed at how things are going. I am also fuming because I am so far away and I can't do much at all. I feel so helpless and that's fueling my anger!!

This situation made me realise a lot of 'doctors' back at home do not possess the quality to care. What they have in mind is money and fame. Why are these people wearing a Dr in front of their name when they even lack the basic human emotions to feel for others, to care, to love and to help. Why are my family members, relatives, friends and their family getting treated by people who call themselves doctor yet fail to even be a human. I blame society and the system. I blame the lack of education (I am not talking about degrees or masters). I blame myself for letting such thing to happen even among my relatives.

I am not saying I am greater or better than IT but I am just so angry at how things turn out. For now, the health and recovery of my granny comes first. The doctor that saw my granny suggested 2 options- surgery or non- operative treatment. My dad opt for the safer and lesser evil option. The doc said it'll take weeks to months before my granny will recover. He is even surprised that she could sit. With lack of physiotherapy, lack of family support and lack of proper early intervention, I doubt it'll take weeks. I'm still so furious! What if granny was sent to seek medical attention earlier? (she would have pain control in place) What if the fracture was treated earlier? (she would recover quicker) What if something worse went wrong (high chance DVT (blood clot) will form followed by PE followed by death). I might be harsh in saying these but seeing death most days, I thought i'm immune to it by now. Truthfully, I was (I stop feeling and forgot how precious life is and how it affects the people around the decease) but I realise it quick enough and now have a soft spot that were never there before.

To readers out there, please do not be in the medical profession if money and fame is your aim in life. Don't think that having the title Dr means you are respected, you'll have a stable job, you'll live happily ever after. Its not that simple, it's never that simple. Also, advice your children, your relatives, cousins, nephews/ nieces or friends that being a doctor ain't easy and it's a long painful journey especially if there is no passion. Please don't force them because of the ignorance most Asian parents have. You are risking the lives of others.

Surprise!!!!!

I'm so sleepy and tired that I can't seem to gather my thoughts (wanted to stay up the whole night but ended up sleeping for the past 3 hours). Just to throw in a few points that I am lazy to elaborate
- the row of seats for my first flight were filled by IMU juniors
- Many air stewards working in 2nd flight, cute looking =P
- had tea poured all over my hand while I was replying my pen pal's letters but it's ok


Right on arrival, while waiting for my luggage, many thoughts ran through my mind. What if my family is away? What if they'll be angry that I wasted money? What if because of this trip, I subsequently fail my exam again? What if I have forgotten to do something with dateline? What if...I didn't know how or what to feel. I know what does mix feelings means.

Walked out after collecting my small luggage bag and there my friend was. Like I said, I have too many friends that are too nice to me. TOO NICE to me. I am totally not worth their time but I am really grateful. This is the first time a friend picked me up from the airport =)

First thing asked- are you hungry? Let's go for satay hehehe

When I arrived home, my house was quiet and I couldn't see anyone in the living room. Spritz was all over the gate jumping up and down. I went to the porch and peeped into the master bedroom, saw that my sis and mom are sleeping but my sis is still using her phone in the dark.

I went out to get my luggage but I think my sister heard the gate opening twice so went out and when she saw me she went...
Maaaaa.....Maaaa....Maaaaaaaaa!!!
My brother who was home rushed out from the toilet to check what's the situation
My mother rushed out too

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!

They were happy and smiling =)
No scolding hehe

We talked till 1am and then they went back to bed.

Now that I think bout it, I totally didn't know what to do with my friend. When my family came out, I think he went into his car and eventually drove off. OMG, should I have introduced him? What should I have done???!!!! I feel bad....they satay meal was paid by him too?!!!!! Oh no.....

Anyway, my dad is away working because he knew that I won't be home for CNY. I think he will be angry but hopefully not too angry =/

I promise I'll write better next time. I got to go to my aunt's and uncle's place for lunch (my mom told them I am back >.<)

Too Spontaneous Unlike Me

I just returned from home (Malaysia) on 2/2/16 and have been trying hard to surpress my homesickness. Besides needing to cope with new job, new hospital, new environment, new colleagues, new computer system, I have jetlag to deal with. I've been sleeping at 8pm and waking up at 11ish pm and forcing myself back to sleep at 1-2 am yet waking up at 3-4am. I have been struggling with fatigue for the past 3 days.

This morning, I woke up at 4am and was on Fb. There were so many CNY wishes and videos about going home to celebrate with family. I suddenly felt so sad and couldn't contain my tears, bawling my eyes out while trying to be quiet. Just 30min before heading out to work, I had the craziest idea. I could try arranging my annual leave today and fly out tonight.

I felt like I had a mission and the rest of day was a blur. I was having second thoughts after asking the rota person. I had more doubts after speaking to my consultant who was the head of department. I was unsure if this is a correct decision. I had no more rationality but I knew that adrenaline was pumping ferociously in my veins.

My dad and bro said 'it'll be too tiring'. My mom said 'come home if you miss home, don't if you need to stay back'. I was indecisive. Am I too irrational? When my junior colleague asked how much is the flight, it dawn on to me I didn't even check. Anyway, I thought since I've managed to arrange my annual leave, might as well just go. I have spent 2000£ for the past few days registering for exam, courses and now this flight.

My friend offered to pick me up from airport and send me to airport if I need to. I have too many friends that are too nice to me. By 3pm, I've bought my flight ticket. I'm going! My registrar and colleagues from previous jobs were supportive and encouraging. Miss them a lot.

Currently in airport. I feel sick, nauseous and hungry as I have yet to have any meal besides my cereals at 5am. I can't believe it. I'm flying home after coming back for 3 days.

First time being too spontaneous. First time surprising my family. First time having a friend picking me up from airport. Many first times but not the first time home for CNY and hopefully not the last.

Hopefully I'll have a safe flight and boy there's so many ppl on the plane. I guess home is where the heart is =}