l0vE st0Ry

Do you believe in long distance relationship? Till now, I still do not believe in it. Well, I don't even believe in love-in-the-1st-sight. Fate? Yes, I do believe in this.

It's been almost 1.5 years and it is still fresh in my mind. It sometimes still hurts. It sometimes just makes me wonder what if I accepted and tried making it work. The things that happened changed my life and the way I look at it.

When I get news about the whereabouts, I just want to know more but the more I know, the more it hurts. How can memories are just left behind and move on just like nothing had happened? How could it be so? And within few months, a new one came in the picture. I just could not believe it and how much it affected me after getting the news.

Maybe I was the one giving problems and not making decision right on time but the decision making and rationalising it is just isn't in me. Hearing my thoughts and explanations, agreeing to it making it harder for me to make up my mind and not being encouraging is one of the reasons too.

Anyway, when I am angry I really hope bad things happen but when it is raining, I become emo. Just like now...raining heavily, listening to the raindrops beating on the concrete, feeling cold, smelling the grass-smell and listening to that song reminds me of everything.

It is still aching and I just realised that I still could not let it go...just yet....

Adapt and change

Reporting for duty from university....

This morning, I catch the train to uni and while waiting for the oh-so-punctual train, I met up with Ronnie aka TURTLE!! Yup, another Taylorian, doing accounting. We were talking and all the while I keep avoiding his question, the usual question when you meet up with old friends---what are you studying now? After about half an hour, I finally let the cat out of the bag and he was surprised. It was all written on his face. Hence I asked what type of carrier I would choose based on his interpretation. After much hesitation and a lot of erm...he finally said- accounting. Why?? Because I have the money minded look(SWT).

But eventually the fact that I am in that course kind of sink in and I kept reminding him of the "IF I FAIL" phrase. Funnily he keep telling me that I'll not fail but he knows I am just an average student back in secondary school. AND, I have no idea what is his issue with the word FATE because when I told him my brother is in Taylors, he said fate will allow them to bump with each other. Then before he left, he mentioned that fate allowed us to meet and chat in the train. I wonder if he's looking for a wife or girlfriend named Fate. heheheh....

Today's lecture on stress was fun because the lecturer was once a high ranking post officer in the Ministry of Health. He likes sharing stories with us such as when he was elaborating on the level of stress from jail. He said that back in Ipoh, he met up with his friend who was a drug addict. So he asked what has he been doing and his reply was:
Oh, nothing much. I just got out from jail and might be going back again when I am needed.
When you are needed? Why so??
Oh, because the lower ranking officer will ask us to go to the Taiping jail when their boss (higher ranking police officer) complained why are there so many free drug addicts on the road.
Yup, so sometimes all those pictures in the newspaper where drug addicts were caught to be send to jail might be bogus (entered the jail on free will).

What is stress?? Stress is a change in the environment may it be caused by studies, family or even a baby. Stress can be a good thing and the usual bad thing. I wont elaborate much on the stress lecture but it's fun to know because I am having the symptoms now. If I could not cope with it, I'll enter exhaustion, illness and then break down. I guess recently all the thoughts of catching up with studies and manage my time really stressed me out. One thing leads to another and I end up blogging it out.

Honestly since young till before I started blogging, I never tell or share my problems with people including my best friends. I don't find it helpful instead I think it's a burden when you relate it to others. If I tell anyone about the problem, I'll be worried if that person will spread it and I'll end up in an embarrassment. That was before I knew how to blog. Now, via blogging, I tend to slowly let problems and feelings leak out in alphabets. It might be easier to convey my feelings and thoughts this way as i can shy away from how people react when they know about it.

Take the last post for an example. I was honestly surprised that Jing actually visited my blog and when she told me and explained some stuff that I misunderstood, I felt weird. Yes, it was awkward and funny but she did it for a good course. I am glad to say that things are better now and I am going to adapt to the environment or stress. Humans are a magnificent creature where they can learn to adapt to a new environment. I might take time but I know eventually, I'll get used to it or better still, found my own clique of friends. People out there who were worried for me, rest assured that I will adapt and change. And guess what, I might be able to join the Saturday's community service program because my ballet teacher allows me to join the late afternoon class (free work class).


**WH, hey sorry that I did not believe you when you say you can't make friends back in INTI. I totally understand it now. Sorry ya ^^ And I just found out that to come to my house from Taylors area, you need to travel by train for about 1 HOUR!!!! So touched le.... =P

left out

If you want to feel left out, just be me in my campus or be me. My group members always leave me out in their activities because I don't stay at the hostels. They usually have dinner together and sometimes gather at one of the group mate's house having fun. Me? At home.

Today is Esther's birthday (Happy Birthday ESTHER!!!) and they had a small gathering and wrote messages on a big huge card for her. I did not know about it and no one told me. When I found out, it was already 1pm and it was Esther who told me and later gave me a pen to add my message. =(

OK, maybe this is a small issue because they stay at the hostels together and I can't join them till late night so they save some credit and did not inform me. Never mind but what hurts me most is this 1 small matter. Each of us need to log into the computer with our own student ID and they supply each of us RM10 for the printing job (we print our own notes). So when we run out of $$, we need to top up. Hence, my group members (they planned without me)have this agreement where everyone take turns to print 1 week's lecture notes and photocopy for the others. Never once did the leader remembered me. Every time they photostate and I asked if there's my share, the leader will go ~ OH!! Sorry, I forgot bout you. Sorry sorry sorry~~

Its sort of sad because I don't really have a big gang of friends like during college or high school. I don't really like to be alone and I am now often alone or hanging out with my group members (which was from 20 people to a mere 4, the others found their own clique of friends) but feeling left out. They tend to talk about the past night activities they had together without me and I'll go blur and it's weird to be the quiet one in a group. I hate that feeling!!!!!

Come to think of it, I actually don't really have a gang of friends that I can really hang out with. I know I might be the problem but it's just feel weird. Primary school I had YP, form 1 I had a REAL GANG of friends, form 2 and 3 I hung out with Jayne and SY (band members), form 4 and 5 I did not really had time to hang out with any friends since I'll be on duty during recess and I was never close to any prefect board members (I was forced into it remember?). College life? To be honest, we only had lunch together and rest of the time, Kelly, Edmund and gang will be hanging out while I'll be with Karam. Biology class? Not really close too because we were all in different class and under different lecturer.

Gosh, I always thought that I have tonnes of friends that I can hang out or clique with anytime. Now, I've realised I was just lying to myself. Sad sad life.....

Emo now, so don't disturb me.

Personality me...

Today's second lecture was FUN!!! It was about personality and it was just cool because I love this topic. Anyway, the lecturer started the topic with him giving us some personality test to complete and my result was ESFJ. What does it means? Each questions have 2 categories, for example: J-judgement, F-feeling, S-sensitive and E-extrovert . Anyway, the answer can be found in google and it says that I am....

The social status of successful people can be quite alluring to ESFJs and many marry prosperous mates and encourage them to accumulate the material signs of prosperity. Other ESFJs seem to fit in with the poor and the needy. In either case their dependability, dedication, and commitment to providing for the needs of others is, at times, overlooked. This can lead to the ESFJ feeling unappreciated and neglected. They can harbor uncomfortable feelings, which they then feel guilty and shameful about, and then they find themselves suffering from emotional denial.

If stress continues, the ESFJ will begin to feel dejected and despondent. A sense of gloom seems to be attached to their memories and the ESFJ fosters feelings of self-blame and guilt about certain past experiences. Always conscious of a sense of indebtedness, the ESFJ feels generally remorseful and may regret imagined woes. If stress becomes overwhelming, ESFJs will complain of their burdens, suspect dreadful things about their health, become critical of others who have "betrayed" them, and become generally melancholic. The ESFJ feels forsaken after all they have put up with and done for others. Their complaints immobilize so they are unable to nurture others or fulfill their demanding obligations.

Careers

This lists represent careers and jobs people of your type tend to enjoy doing. The job requirements are similar to the personality tendencies of your personality type. It is important to remember that this is not a list of all the jobs possible. And it is very important to remember that people can, and frequently do, fill jobs that are dissimilar to their personality... this happens all the time...and sometimes works out quite well.
nurse
social worker
caterer
flight attendant
bookkeeper
medical/dental assistant
exercise physiologist
elementary school teacher
minister/priest/rabbi
retail owner
officer manager
telemarketer
counselor
special education teacher
merchandise planner
credit counselor
athletic coach
insurance agent
sales representative
massage therapist
medical secretary
child care provider
bilingual education teacher
professional volunteer

Maybe to a certain extend I am but not that chronic because I don't fall into depression just because someone did not appreciate me. Yes I do mind and feel sad when I am not being appreciated just like last year when I helped my band in their 2nd concert by being the MC, they totally ignore Jayne and I after the whole concert. I mean, I felt unappreciated but Jayne felt it too!! We discussed about it but after that, life went on like usual and I did not fell into depression.

Another explanation of ESFJ...

• Most frequent type among education majors.
  
• In national sample "Leisure Activities," underrepresented in "Writing."
  
• Academic subjects preferred: math, music. (YES YES!!!! TOTALLY!!!!)
  
• Highest of all types in national sample liking work environments with "Toe the line expectations"; among 3 highest types favoring "Clear structure," "Loyalty and security," and "Making the job as simple as possible."
  
• Most important feature of an ideal job: service to others. (Sort of agree)
  
• In national sample, were among those most satisfied with their work and where they work, and unlikely to leave job. (This is called being loyal!!!)
  
• In national sample, greatest work environment satisfiers are "People I work with," "Amount of responsibility," and "Opportunity for societal contribution."
  
• Most frequent type among women with coronary heart disease. (Gonna die of heart attack)
  
• In national sample, highest in coping with stress by "Talking to someone close" and "Relying on religious beliefs."
  
• In national sample, ranked 2nd highest in "Belief in a higher spiritual power."
  
• In national sample, ranked highest in satisfaction with "Marriage/intimate relationship."

I have no idea why but I still don't have the confident in telling the whole wide world about what I am studying now. Just now went and buy grocery with mother, met a form 1 friend and we chat. When she asked me what I am studying now, I was reluctant to tell and keep changing topic. Yes, I am still scared. The same lecturer who gave us the fun lecture told us that his wife (a psychologist who is also in the Uni) will be on duty when ever the semester 4 and 5's result is released. WHY?? To avoid any suicide attempt. Yes, the moment I heard about it, I totally got scared all over again. WHAT IF I FAIL IN SEM4? WHERE WILL I GO NEXT??

Anyway, I was actually planing to stay back and study in the library but the plan was canceled because when I was in the museum studying the bones and memorising the name of each lines and humps on the bone, a senior came by and we started talking. Apparently, if we just study the lecture notes, we can get A+. As I've mentioned earlier, 2 hours of lectures per day and thus means 2 different topic per day. If I study the reference book that we were all recommended to buy, I'll use 4 hours to study 1 chapter which is equivalent to 1 hour of lecture. This is why I don't have time to relax and catch up.

Actually this is the 4th senior telling me to just study notes and not reference book. I don't know whether to trust them or waste another 4 hours studying? I mean, I don't mind reading all the extra information and gain more knowledge, but it's the time that is insufficient. I am 6 chapters behind and I am here blogging. Haha.

Ya, today I AM SOOOO HAPPY!!! Why?? Because I played with 2 Goldens!! 1 adult (9 years old) and 1 baby (2 months old). Ale just bough a new puppy yesterday and her 2 old dogs (another 9 years old cocker spaniard) still haven't welcome her yet. She loves to stick to them and play with them but the 2 old dogs just don't like her. They growl and when she gets too close, the golden showed her teeth and was kinda fierce. The baby also loves to chase and follow the spaniard but the spaniard just run away from her and eventually growl at her. I wonder where's the Golden adult's motherly instinct because the old golden is a female but haven't given birth to any puppies. Anyway, she is just so CUTE!!!!!! Aaww, I want one!!!

**Hint...September might be a good reason to receive 1. Hehehe....joking ^^

What Ifs...

Both ears down

What If.....
One ear up, One ear down

Family
1. I was born handicapped?
2. I have an elder sister instead of a brother?
3. I have a younger brother instead of a sister?
4. I have more siblings?
5. I was an orphan?
6. I was dump by my parents?
7. My parents divorced?
8. I was the only child?
9. I was born in a very very poor family?
10. I was born in a very ulu place?
11. I was not sent to Sunday school?
12. I was not taken care by parent's friends?
13. Kakak never came?
14. Kakak stayed with us till today?
14. My mother did not quit her job?
15. I have handicapped parents?
16. I have handicapped siblings?
17. I was born in a rich family?
18. I was not sent to school?
19. I hate studying?
20. I was not a Chinese?
21. I have no relatives?
22. I have no cousins?
23. My dad was not from north?
24. I've met my grandpa?
25. I never met my grandma?
26. I was abused?
27. I was introvert?
28. My family speaks in Chinese everyday?
29. I hate Maths?
30. I was married off when small?
31. I was sold to other family?
32. I was adopted?
33. My siblings are adopted?
34. My siblings were separated?
35. My parents don't act like parents?
36. My parents were famous people?
37. My brother was NOT LAZY?!
38. My sister was not annoying?
39. My relationship with my siblings were better?
40. My whole family travels every year?
41. I have relatives all over the world?
42. I have studious relatives?
43. I was the eldest?
44. I was a boy?
45. I was abnormal?
46. My siblings are crazy?
47. My parents were murderer?
48. I was born in jail?
49. My parents tried to kill me?
50. I was never given choices?
Both ears half up

Friends and relationships
51. I was never bullied?
52. I was abusive?
53. I was not friendly?
54. I was materialistic?
55. I was demanding?
56. I was not loyal?
57. I accepted him?
58. I never hurt him?
59. I never broke up?
60. I treated him nicer?
61. I confessed my feelings?
62. He cheated on me?
63. He was not possessive?
64. He was less caring?
65. I never met him?
66. I tried long distance relationship?
67. I forgiven him?
68. I accepted her?
69. I did some illegal things?
70. I sacrificed a lot for him?
71. I told him my true feelings?
72. I did not accepted him?
73. I gave up on our friendship?
74. I hold on tight and never let go?
75. I never introduced them?
76. I was not in band?
77. I flirt around?
78. I never forgiven her?
79. I was not close with her?
80. I was not close with him?
81. I forget about him after a week?
82. He still have my heart?
83. He never let go of me?
84. We end up married?
85. He was poor?
86. He was not committed?
87. He never cry in front of me?
88. She never confessed her feelings?
89. She hated me?
90. We never sit down and talked it out?
91. We haven forgive each other?
92. We never met?
93. We were not meant to be together?
94. We met at the right time and the right place?
95. We finally meet face to face?
96. They never confide their feelings in me?
97. I always hurt people's feelings on purpose?
98. I never care bout them?
99. I never truly liked them?
100. All of my friends are imaginary?
Both ears forever Up

Should stop with all these what ifs.....got to finish the assignments!!!