Angry, fuming, disappointed, helpless

I'm back again. New department is not as organised as my previous department. My rota (work schedule) consists of night shift on Monday, post night zero day on Tuesday, day shift on Wednesday, long day shift on Thursday, back to day shift on Friday followed by night shift on Saturday and Sunday again. Its not doing my sleep pattern any good and its making me binge eat.

Anyway, the title of my post is the reason I am here. I rarely talk about my family but this time, I just have to.

My granny had a fall towards the end of CNY. I have a relative (let's name it IT) who works in the medical field. I believe IT recently graduated and should be in the housemanship phase. So, IT felt that everything is fine because quote IT 'granny is standing with minimal support'. Unfortunately granny has been complaining of severe thigh pain and according to my dad, she could not even move her leg due to pain. For the sake of 'family harmony', he felt that bringing granny home will be the best option. Now at this point, granny is still in a lot of pain and Dr. IT has (I presume) 'examined' and give it the all clear. When my dad told me the situation, I strongly suggested an XR to help in determining the cause of the pain eg. Fracture.

My dad brought granny home (traveled 5-6 hours journey) and went to the hospital which showed a fracture on the XR. Sadly, a lay person was there and the only information I got was that there is a broken bone at hip joint. Now, for those of you who are interested, a broken bone at hip joint could represent a lot of things and the most important complication we are (I am) worried is something called avascular necrosis (bone dies due to lack of blood supply).

I am furious because of the attitude of IT who didn't give a shit care on the pain my granny was experiencing. IT even lied to my dad that my granny could walk or stand with little help when my granny was obviously in severe pain (pain is a good sign that something is not right) and was suffering. As a doctor, IT is duty bound to care, examine properly and give a good useful advice instead of ignoring the white elephant in the room. More over, we are talking about family!! Wouldn't you care even a bit?? This is so wrong!! Maybe you'll say that IT is still new as a doctor but isn't it obvious that something is not right when a 80 over year old lady (high chance osteoporosis has set in) had a fall, in severe pain and is not moving the leg. If IT was not sure, sending granny to see a proper doctor ain't that difficult right?

With this kind of attitude, lack of compassion or empathy and NEGLIGENCE, IT is causing more harm than good. IT is a very dangerous doctor and I worry for the patients that are under IT's care. Innocent lives will be sacrificed for the sake of the stupid attitude which is appauling, outrageous and unacceptable!

IT is the annoying brat 'special' child who scored top in class,  gets spoiled and gets all IT's way. I've never liked IT fully and something IT said years ago when I was all alone in the rural Wick with no other Asians around during CNY period was very insensitive and that made me stop talking to IT (only when we face each other). At first I thought I was being bias due to my dislike of IT, but this time, I think it's justifiable to feel this way.

I would love to confront IT, to hear what IT got to say before I pounce on IT but my dad asked me not to say anything, and again, for the sake of 'family harmony'. If I get to do my way, I will not be living in a lie, wearing masks even among people I call family!! I am so disappointed at how things are going. I am also fuming because I am so far away and I can't do much at all. I feel so helpless and that's fueling my anger!!

This situation made me realise a lot of 'doctors' back at home do not possess the quality to care. What they have in mind is money and fame. Why are these people wearing a Dr in front of their name when they even lack the basic human emotions to feel for others, to care, to love and to help. Why are my family members, relatives, friends and their family getting treated by people who call themselves doctor yet fail to even be a human. I blame society and the system. I blame the lack of education (I am not talking about degrees or masters). I blame myself for letting such thing to happen even among my relatives.

I am not saying I am greater or better than IT but I am just so angry at how things turn out. For now, the health and recovery of my granny comes first. The doctor that saw my granny suggested 2 options- surgery or non- operative treatment. My dad opt for the safer and lesser evil option. The doc said it'll take weeks to months before my granny will recover. He is even surprised that she could sit. With lack of physiotherapy, lack of family support and lack of proper early intervention, I doubt it'll take weeks. I'm still so furious! What if granny was sent to seek medical attention earlier? (she would have pain control in place) What if the fracture was treated earlier? (she would recover quicker) What if something worse went wrong (high chance DVT (blood clot) will form followed by PE followed by death). I might be harsh in saying these but seeing death most days, I thought i'm immune to it by now. Truthfully, I was (I stop feeling and forgot how precious life is and how it affects the people around the decease) but I realise it quick enough and now have a soft spot that were never there before.

To readers out there, please do not be in the medical profession if money and fame is your aim in life. Don't think that having the title Dr means you are respected, you'll have a stable job, you'll live happily ever after. Its not that simple, it's never that simple. Also, advice your children, your relatives, cousins, nephews/ nieces or friends that being a doctor ain't easy and it's a long painful journey especially if there is no passion. Please don't force them because of the ignorance most Asian parents have. You are risking the lives of others.

Surprise!!!!!

I'm so sleepy and tired that I can't seem to gather my thoughts (wanted to stay up the whole night but ended up sleeping for the past 3 hours). Just to throw in a few points that I am lazy to elaborate
- the row of seats for my first flight were filled by IMU juniors
- Many air stewards working in 2nd flight, cute looking =P
- had tea poured all over my hand while I was replying my pen pal's letters but it's ok


Right on arrival, while waiting for my luggage, many thoughts ran through my mind. What if my family is away? What if they'll be angry that I wasted money? What if because of this trip, I subsequently fail my exam again? What if I have forgotten to do something with dateline? What if...I didn't know how or what to feel. I know what does mix feelings means.

Walked out after collecting my small luggage bag and there my friend was. Like I said, I have too many friends that are too nice to me. TOO NICE to me. I am totally not worth their time but I am really grateful. This is the first time a friend picked me up from the airport =)

First thing asked- are you hungry? Let's go for satay hehehe

When I arrived home, my house was quiet and I couldn't see anyone in the living room. Spritz was all over the gate jumping up and down. I went to the porch and peeped into the master bedroom, saw that my sis and mom are sleeping but my sis is still using her phone in the dark.

I went out to get my luggage but I think my sister heard the gate opening twice so went out and when she saw me she went...
Maaaaa.....Maaaa....Maaaaaaaaa!!!
My brother who was home rushed out from the toilet to check what's the situation
My mother rushed out too

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!

They were happy and smiling =)
No scolding hehe

We talked till 1am and then they went back to bed.

Now that I think bout it, I totally didn't know what to do with my friend. When my family came out, I think he went into his car and eventually drove off. OMG, should I have introduced him? What should I have done???!!!! I feel bad....they satay meal was paid by him too?!!!!! Oh no.....

Anyway, my dad is away working because he knew that I won't be home for CNY. I think he will be angry but hopefully not too angry =/

I promise I'll write better next time. I got to go to my aunt's and uncle's place for lunch (my mom told them I am back >.<)

Too Spontaneous Unlike Me

I just returned from home (Malaysia) on 2/2/16 and have been trying hard to surpress my homesickness. Besides needing to cope with new job, new hospital, new environment, new colleagues, new computer system, I have jetlag to deal with. I've been sleeping at 8pm and waking up at 11ish pm and forcing myself back to sleep at 1-2 am yet waking up at 3-4am. I have been struggling with fatigue for the past 3 days.

This morning, I woke up at 4am and was on Fb. There were so many CNY wishes and videos about going home to celebrate with family. I suddenly felt so sad and couldn't contain my tears, bawling my eyes out while trying to be quiet. Just 30min before heading out to work, I had the craziest idea. I could try arranging my annual leave today and fly out tonight.

I felt like I had a mission and the rest of day was a blur. I was having second thoughts after asking the rota person. I had more doubts after speaking to my consultant who was the head of department. I was unsure if this is a correct decision. I had no more rationality but I knew that adrenaline was pumping ferociously in my veins.

My dad and bro said 'it'll be too tiring'. My mom said 'come home if you miss home, don't if you need to stay back'. I was indecisive. Am I too irrational? When my junior colleague asked how much is the flight, it dawn on to me I didn't even check. Anyway, I thought since I've managed to arrange my annual leave, might as well just go. I have spent 2000£ for the past few days registering for exam, courses and now this flight.

My friend offered to pick me up from airport and send me to airport if I need to. I have too many friends that are too nice to me. By 3pm, I've bought my flight ticket. I'm going! My registrar and colleagues from previous jobs were supportive and encouraging. Miss them a lot.

Currently in airport. I feel sick, nauseous and hungry as I have yet to have any meal besides my cereals at 5am. I can't believe it. I'm flying home after coming back for 3 days.

First time being too spontaneous. First time surprising my family. First time having a friend picking me up from airport. Many first times but not the first time home for CNY and hopefully not the last.

Hopefully I'll have a safe flight and boy there's so many ppl on the plane. I guess home is where the heart is =}

Unexpected Expected Outcome

It's been a month since I last updated here.

Just half a week ago, I received an unexpected expected news. Why is it unexpected expected? Well....

I have been having worsening symptoms of hand tremor which is so obvious when I am assisting in theatre and occasional short span of palpitations for the past few months. Feeling warm while others are cold and getting flushed easily (saved me from having to put blusher, not that I use make up) has been something I have been experiencing for the past few years and has been normal to me. Come to think of it, before coming to Aberdeen, I have always felt cold and I hate the library because that's where I spent most of my time studying and it's freezing despite wearing a jacket.

Tremor (and since I now need to pay for the IHS when applying for visa) was why I made an appointment with a GP to get my blood checked. Many of my friends have been teasing me yet at the same time agreeing with my suspicions. The symptoms are all in text books. I finally got my bloods checked even though the GP did not look convinced.

In UK, when the GP calls you, it means the result is abnormal. Just to put it out there.

I called the GP practice at midday, the result was not back, Called again at half 4 as advised and I was told, the result just appeared but the GP has to verify the result before it's released. The receptionist checked my phone number in case the GP needs to call me.
I don't think I was anxious to get the result but after this 2 attempts, I think I was getting more and more worried.

I got a call 30 minutes later from a 'no caller ID'. Normally, I don't answer numbers that I don't recognise but this time, I was half expecting a call.

Quote the GP: " Your diagnosis was spot on! I have been trying to get in touch with the specialist the whole day in regards to starting medications and making a referral but they have not been answering my phone so I will call again tomorrow then update you."

2 things put me into 'red alert' mode
1. Get in touch the whole day- I thought the result just appeared, what do you mean the whole day? Some one is lying!
2. Starting medication- Is my result borderline abnormal that's why you are unsure whether to start on the medication or the result is SO abnormal that you need to check if I should be started on medication or go straight for other options.

My diagnosis is something I should know because it is one of the most asked question in my professional exam yet I realised I do not know anything.

Why is it an unexpected expected outcome? Now you know. I expected it to be the diagnosis but without blood result to confirm it, I didn't believe it. With the outcome in front of me now, I do not know what to do. It's obvious I need to get treated but I am stubborn and stupid. I DO NOT want to take medication even though I NEED it.

At this point, I am still coping with the reality of 'I AM ILL'.
I dislike the idea of taking medications and it could be lifelong.
I hate the fact that I am not normal anymore.
My perfect ideal vision of me is now unachievable.
I despise me, that this has happened to me.

Denial, anger, bargain, depressed and acceptance is the way of grieve, the way patients go through when bad news are being delivered to them. I now know the feeling of this end.

I am still stuck between denial, anger and depressed.
My world is now black or gray and I am compensating it by getting colourful things- flowers, decorating my room walls etc



My wish of dying young just could not come sooner.
Don't you worry, suicidal is not in my books.

Loneliest Day

I call this day the loneliest day of my life.
It's the day I was born, alone.
The day I feel even more lonelier than ever.

I do have friends, amazing friends that take the initiative to make time for me, to get limited edition gifts, to wish me, to remind others that it's my birthday and even to organise a surprise party for me, yet I always prefer to be alone, to keep it as low key as possible.

Why?

I guess as time passes, it's significance dwindle down.
If I look forward to this day every year, I will get disappointed as I start expecting things which rarely will actually happen.
Instead of expecting and feeling sad, I rather treat it as any other normal day.

This year, I've experienced so much changes and a whole lot of ups and downs that I actually for once, forgot it's my birthday.
It was the bank personnel whom I called the day before to change my address, wished me at the end of the call, reminded me that it's 13th of September the next day.

Days go on as usual but this time it's lonelier, quieter and more depressing.

My best friend, for the first time, forgot to wish me too.
I just wish this day could pass quicker.


2010- last celebration with family at home
2011- surprise party
2012- stuck outside of my room in Elgin, spent most of the time alone in the common room moping
2013- weekend before 13/9, housemate organised dinner but on 13/9, at work + nothing happened
2014- presents and cards from various people
2015- lunch with friends and emo
 
I should not feel this way on this day, there's even a wikihow to celebrate birthday alone =.=
http://www.wikihow.com/Celebrate-Your-Birthday-Alone