mixed feelings

Let's take our mind off studies for a moment and think of something that we would love to have or do. For the moment, when I looked at my notes, I feel like I have the obligation to finish every single page but when I feel the notes or books, I have the humongous urge to throw it out of my window into the drain. Thus, to save my fantastic notes and pass year books, I've decided to not touch it. BAD CHOICE because I just realised its xxx more days to the 1st paper!!!!

Alright, what I feel like doing now is just lie on my cozy bed and indulge in a never ending story book. I know maybe I can do it after the exam but ever since the study break started, I can't take my hands off Harry Potter series. After finishing all the seven books, I went to my "small library" and started to look for other interesting books. Ah, interesting books are paradise to me!!!

Next, I realised I haven't been going to the temple for almost a year since I started to dislike the teacher who was imparting her valuable knowledge to us. I skipped the first day of class because I hate introduction day and honestly almost every year we learn (repeat) the same old things, and first day is always about basic. The next week, I went and its was ok until I realise she was a control freak. " Raise your hands when you want to speak", "you cannot go to the toilet when I am teaching", "why did you not attend my last week's class?", "if you skip another day, I would love you to not attend my class for the rest of the year"....etc. Every time she start to chant her favourite phrase as above, I would have the urge to tell her off and I can actually feel heat spreading throughout my body. Its not good to have anger in a temple but I can't help it because, HELLO!! We took the initiative to attend your pathetic class and we get your lectures instead? Its not like we asked our mother to be sick and not send us to the temple??!!
Anyway, I'll try to attend the puja from tomorrow onwards at least since I have been going to the temple since 6 years old.

On 2nd Jan, our beloved Health Minister resigned. I was actually angry that he was involved in such scandal but I can't help feeling sad that he resigned. Yes, its a bad reputation but he did so MUCH good!! He actually knows what it feels to be a doctor, to work hard and thus he implemented a lot of changes that is advantageous to doctors. But because he did something disgraceful, people condemned him(yours truly is guilty too). But his private life doesn't really affects his way of working. Come on, I doubt that all our ministers in Malaysia are clean. Everyone has weakness!! The bottom line is, I hate to see a good man leave.

I honestly think I suck in ballet. I can't improve and my basic are just sucky. I really feel that taking up ballet is a huge mistake. I don't see the point of doing the same thing over and over again without any improvement. There's a few times where I felt like giving up and just cry. I just am not born to dance ballet. I just do not have the talent. Bur on the other hand, I do not like to do things half way. I always feel that if you start something, you make sure you finish it up. Just moments ago in class, my teacher asked us why are we here at this level and still want to progress by taking the exam? She asked us further why not continue dancing without taking exam, it'll make life easier for us and her (she wont feel so stressed up). At the instant, I voiced out my opinion bout finishing what you started. "It doesn't mean if you start something, you MUST finish it especially when you know you are not born to be a dancer" was what my teacher told us (my another friend has the same principle). To tell the truth, I really feel like giving up but I can't because I have my principle to follow. If I give up now, I can't face myself when I look at the mirror. Its kind of hard to juggle between studies, classes, chores and stuff like that. I can't focus on either one and excel in any. I'm just a type of "jack of all trades, master to none".

Few days back I helped my teacher to teach her class at another ballet school, then I returned to my ballet school to return the CDs because I borrowed from my school. When I enter the school, my lady boss's daughter was so delighted to see me that she hugged me. My lady boss was also happy to see me and she asked about my studies since I stopped work to "study / revise". Then she asked about my plans after the exam and I asked why. She replied" cos I want you back here to work, that gal very blur la." Appreciating me was what I always look for in life, and I was so happy for the rest of the day. When I told my mother about what my lady boss said, she was happy for me too and said :" Go and work lar since you'll be free." Well, the problem is, she don't like the fuss of sending me up and down and can't rely me to take care of the house or fetch my sister from school when she's not free. The moment I hinted her these problems, straight away she said :" NO NO!! Don't work!!" See, my mother can change her mind just in a blink of eye and can promise you things without thinking through. When she realise there is a loop hole somewhere, she'll break your heart and plans by telling you the CONS...

Anyway, all these feelings have been so mixed up that I do not know if I have anymore feelings. Do not look forward to tomorrow...NO!! Tomorrow must go temple..MUST!!!