scared and stressed

Today the semester 2 seniors got their EOS (end of semester) exam result. Before that, my batch rep announced that the club "campus friend" where seniors sort of give tutoring is giving tips and hints on what to focus and expect in exam. So there I was kiasu and all(I am not a member by the way), attended and joined in because it was opened for all.

Started well because they started with the chapter which I just finished studying, then slowly it went to chapters which I studies few days or a week ago then to the chapters which I haven really touch yet. There and then, panic strike and I was so scared and stressed and my spelling for all the jargon's words were WRONG!! I was really terrified especially when every senior that came in after receiving their result eventually told us things like "study hard and don't regret", "if you slack some more you will fail" and stuff like that. One of them even came in and was in a very sad tone telling us that his best friend failed.

Later we got to know that about 60 students failed, means they might get expelled!! Now, yours truly here is prepared to get expelled but honestly I don't want to. I was really scared and stressed and disappointed because what I studied before, all was in the waste bin, nothing came back even when the seniors were telling the important keywords. SAD!!!! =(

After the 2 hours of cortisol (stress hormone) pumping (that session lasted that long), I went straight to the library and started studying and going back to all the previous notes. Panic again and suddenly the guy sitting beside me(I was in the cubicle) asked me how was the tutoring session. He was a semester 3 student. Then the gal sitting beside me on my left also asked and she was in semester 5. After both of them sort of got my answer, they were jokingly saying that I am the future "A" student because I am still in the library at that hour. They even added that both of them are still there because they need to study for EOS3 and 5 respectively while I am just sitting for summative 1 where we will not get expelled even if we fail. Only EOS exam will get you expelled when fail.

At that moment when they said such things, my heart drop a thousand meter down and I was really feeling the ultimate stress. Yes I know they are just joking and sort of motivating me but all those words carry a heavy meaning and responsibility and by telling those stuff, I really freaked out and wanted to cry but in the end I just smiled and said "No I wont" and continue scrolling through my notes. Getting the hint they continue studying too.

I am just so scared and stressed out. Will I fail? Ya, they were also discussing about this smart guy who got A- for both summative 1 and 2 but got a C- for EOS2 and overall, he got a C-. C is the passing grade, anything below it is FAIL!!!! OMG, what will my future hold for me??

gosh

I thought you were out from my life?! Why are you back? Disturbing? I thought I told you about my feeling now but why are you still like a parasite demanding for my attention? I am so confused!! Gosh go away!!! Get out from my life and stop making things more complicated. Grrr...


On a lighter note, I had enough sleep today and hence I had so much fun in ballet class but my feet and toes are aching and bleeding. Sad but well, 'no pain no gain'. My abs are killing me too because I did 'plank' yesterday together with Arthur. It is a position like guy's push up but u stay at that position as long as you can and your elbow is on the ground. Practically your weight is on your toes or elbow.

After 1 minute at that position not moving, I started to feel pain at my abdomen, then it spread to my back then to my thighs and feet. Later I could feel my feet shaking and my abdomen muscle to contract. The feeling was WOW and just now in ballet class I could not do back bend or circular port de bra. Back pain plus abs cramp just make class more fun because feeling pain means you are working on some muscle.

OK, call me a masochism but this is my way of working out. OK, I don't know what to add more because life now is quite dull and most of my time I spent making myself settle down to study but my mind will fly to some other place. Yup, gonna flunk exam soon so ya.....

males breastfeed??!!

Well, when you look at the word MI, you might be thinking of Mission Impossible but now, I'll be thinking of myocardial infarction. GI as GI Joe?? Nah, it's gastrointestinal. How about TV? Television?? To me its tidal volume. Let's try VIP. Very important person? Very idiotic person/pig? Well, its vasoactive intestinal peptide to me now. Ya, trying real hard to get all these terms into my small pea brain.

Back to the title--Male breastfeed?? Well, as you know (if you do remember) that prolactin stimulates milk production. When the female get pregnant, prolactin, an endocrine hormone will be secreted from the anterior pituitary gland and it will enhance milk production. Well, males also have prolactin secreted into their bloodstream all the time. Hence, MALE CAN PRODUCE MILK FOR BREASTFEEDING if we increase the prolactin production in them. Some of the guys in our batch say they don't mind because it is a noble thing to do. But when I asked the guy sitting next to me if he will breastfeed, he answered me back in an angry tone NO!!

You see, the world we live in is dominated by males and hence to them getting pregnant, doing house chores and well, breastfeeding is a no-no task to them. The guy sitting beside me added that males will not breastfeed (ever) because God created man that way. He further explained his point--our breasts are small and not enlarged and our prolactin production is low, there has to be a reason behind it so why do you want to change God's creation? Wow, I was not in the mood to debate so I left the topic there and then. Honestly he has a point but he doesn't need to feel that strongly against it right?

Library is a good place to study but (argh!!) it's now under a little construction. Constructor/ table builder are making lots of noise in the library by polishing the soon-to-be-study-table, hammering the nails into them, screwing the tables and so on. The sound from the machine are irritating and annoying and disturbing our concentration. Take an example ~~ prolactin is secreted by anterior 'eeeeeeeeeeeeee' gland. It enhances the 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeee' production. Wow, all the key words are now replaced by that annoying machinery noise!!! I guess during exam I'll write out 'eeeeee' for the lecturers to fail me.

FREAK OUT!!!!!!

I am totally gonna be dead for this coming summative exam.

I cant remember anything!!!

I suck in ballet and the exam is in 4 or 5 more months!!!

I miss my band so much!!!

I for once miss friends that I know they don't miss me!!!

I just want to break free from all these nonsense and lead the life I want!!!

I am getting fat!!!

I am getting weak!!!

I am getting worst in everything!!!

I suck in everything!!!

I don't deserve to be where I am!!!

I don't want to be emo anymore!!!!

I need strength to go on!!!

I will find my inner (intrinsic) motivation!!!

I will improve myself in every aspect I want!!!

I will lead the life I want!!!

I will take control of my destiny!!!

I will overcome this small petty so-call barrier!!!

YES I WILL!!!!!


Btw, David Cook won and yeah!!!!!

Here In My Home + Wesak Day

I want to share this piece of multi-artistes racial unity song & video project produced by Pete Teo and directed by Yasmin Ahmad and Ho Yuhang.
Unity is what we need!!!!

But politics in Malaysia is getting sucky (sad!!)

Sunday is the day I need to use to catch up with studies but sadly it did not happen. I slept in and woke up by 8am!!! So late and after completing the house chores it was 10am already. Read newspaper and had breakfast, it was already 12pm. Took out my notes but end up sleeping till 4pm. Watch some TV drama and online and well, there goes my day. So I set my mind to start studying and reminded myself that exam is just round the corner but still, I end up ironing clothes.

By 8pm, mother came home and we went out for dinner and bought movie tickets for Narnia which will only start at 11pm. To kill time, we drank lots of tea end up peeing so many times before entering the cinema. Narnia was OK, I mean after the show ended it did not really gave me the impact of wanting to watch again.

Anyway, by the time the movie ended, it was already 1.35am. Wow, I just realised that the movie is 2 hours and 15 minutes long (worth my money eh). We decided that since it is already Wesak Day, we might as well visit the temple. I have been going to this temple (Maha Vihara at Brickfields) since 5 years old and have been helping/ volunteering during Wesak Day but since last year I stopped contributing and hence I've made up my mind that next year onwards I'll continue helping out. (JW if you are reading, will you be back from US? It wont be fun without you around here bossing ^^)

Here I am blogging and slacking. Gosh I wonder why can't I study at home...hmm....


Happy Wesak Day to all!!!!