Malaysian Passport Renewal In London During COVID-19 in 2021

I normally fly home to renew my passport but Covid-19 as usual, ruined everything therefore I needed to renew my passport in London. My passport is expiring in July 2021. When I checked in January 2021, I was under the impression that it could wait but in mid April 2021, there was a notice on Jimlondon.net that apppointment is required for the passport renewal so off I went to the STO website and to my horror, the next available appointment was in mid August.

Anyway, I managed to get an earlier slot after multiple phone calls and email *special shout out to Jesmin who kindly squeezed me in to an earlier appointment* as I need a valid passport for work and Uni application.

It was a very stressful situation and I couldn't find much information on how to proceed so I hope that this post will help anyone who are in my situation in UK/ Europe.

1- Get the passport appointment made when your passport is expiring in 6 months time at STO.

2- Don't worry about online application. I wasted 6 hours of my life trying to upload the passport photo online. Multiple specification failure without any help in succeeding.

3- Gather your IC, expiring passport and UK visa with 1 photocopy of each document. Don't need any passport photo as they will snap it in the High Comm (advisable to wear black or dark coloured blouse/ shirt, I wore my black hoodie).

4- Head to High Comm on your appointment date, go to the basement and get a ticket number. They start the passport renewal process at 10am. *remember your facemask and the receptionist will check your temperature before allowing you in*.

5- After they call your ticket number (identical announcer as back home lol!), head to one of the 3 allocated counters. Submit your documents and photocopies, get your photo snapped, thumbprint obtained and signatures on paper then pay the passport renewal fee by cash. Mine was 41pounds. No card machine available.

6- The passport will be ready to be collected in 1-1.5 hours so after submitting, head out for a walk/ coffee and return in 1 hour time. Canteen that serves local food was sadly closed due to Covid lockdown restrictions. Try to spot the person who has the ticket number before you and stay near to the counter when you return because the counter officer will announce your name verbally according to the arrangement of being served without relying on your previous ticket number. The officer was obviously fasting as it is ramadhan time so the voice was not very loud.

My experience:

I arrived to High Comm at 0945, got served by 1030, spent 5-10min at the counter submitting documents etc, left for coffee, returned to High Comm by 1125 and collected my new passport by 1132am. Quick and slick. Quite pleased and proud with how efficient things went. Seriously grateful to Jesmin who kindly allowed me an earlier appointment. You are the best!

Take care and stay safe!!

COVID 19 in 2021

Hello!! I just noticed that my last blog post was exactly 1 year ago today. How funny is this. My last post was during Covid's 1st wave. Since then, 2nd wave happened and predicting 3rd wave if this vaccine programme fails. I have now moved back to the main city and things are different. People are just tired and fed up with all these lockdown. I have been dealing with a few adulting things such as mortgage, grant searching for research etc Am I still angry? Sometimes I think mostly because I feel like I am stuck/ stagnant at where I am. No obvious visible progression. Work has not been as satisfying and with all the restrictions from indoor dining, mixing with friends from other household etc, it feels like another year wasted. I should feel more motivated in pursuing academic world but when work is not going as smoothly as it should, it affected my motivation and drive. I still like research etc but the essential autodrive to achieve quick result is failing. It took me a few months to realise that I am not enjoying work, I am frustrated with my lack of efficiency and initiative and I am going through a vicious cycle. So I took annual leave proper (took some over pre-Xmas period but end up still going into work) and 1st week was basically dealing with adult life stress and second week was basically catching up with friends locally and internationally. Longest conversation that week was 8 hours. Restrictions are easing but traveling overseas is still not allowed. Vaccine programme is going as plan here in this country but when I see messages circulating on the internet or shared by my family, it drives me up the wall. All the non- evidence based speculations are trusted more than what study results showed. I like how a researcher explained the situation we are currently in and the choices we should make. ' Imagine you are in a building that is on fire and there is a car that can save your life. Would you question if the car is ferarri or porche or BMW? No, you take the car and drive out of the building!' Stop spreading that pfizer or Astrazeneca or China's Sinovac is better. Just get the vaccine! One of my friend was refusing to take the Covid vaccine because he was worried that he will be infertile. What?! How?! *facepalm* And the media reporting about the rare cerebral venous thrombosis complications and the speculations surround it, fearmongering the already doubful vaccine population. Look at the other side of the coin, at least there is an adverse reaction reporting system. How sure are the other vaccine from other countries are accurately reporting their complications? Politics are too complex for my simpleton brain so I shall refrain from going into that rabbit hole. Recently (actually yesterday) just came back from an essential travel to renew my Passport and had a very pleasant nice surprise to meet a few juniors at the Embassy and end up hanging out together going food hunting. The renewal process was so smooth and I was stress over lack of information so my next post will be on that, hopefully help a few people who were in my situation. With what's been going on in other countries, I should be grateful for still being alive, healthy as well as having my family and friends still staying safe and healthy. When I hear news about the situation in India, I tear up. The Indian doctors in this country must have feel strongly about going home to be with family or help out but with travel ban and the risk of not coming back to this current work place, it's such a difficult choice. I feel for them =( Let's all hang in there and stay safe everyone!

COVID 19 in 2020

How is everyone?
Still alive and breathing well?
I hope so...

This pandemic has affected many of us in different ways.
I know how it affected me....it made me an angry person.
The grieving process always starts with denial, anger, bargain, depressed and lastly acceptance.

I have skipped denial because I know it's real and happening but stuck in the anger stage...still.

Mid March when everything started, I was frustrated with my surrounding colleagues for being acopia (unable to cope). I was angry at their inability to do their job, what they have signed up for and having pre- PTSD.

After 1 month, I can still feel my anger seeping out as I type here......*switch zen music on*...

So my fellow 'front- liner' aka people who works in ITU were complaining about wearing the PPE, unable to see or breathe properly whilst they are doing lines, complaining about the lack of cleaners coming to clean the flat (they can't even clean the common room/ kitchen that's why hoping cleaners will do the job for them) and get this, demanding the director to come and let them know that it is ok to be scared and anxious at times like this. Get off your high horse, OMG!!! People are dying left right and center without love ones beside them while struggling to breathe and you guys are complaining about all these minute stuff?? So called heroes? Not so here....

The next wave of anger was when people who were traveling back to cities (main home) from work accommodation were told to stay put instead of driving >1hour back to cities as covid was more pronounced and it is considered as non- essential travel. This kicked up a huge fuss, especially from a small group of 'very-smart' people threatening to bring this to court/ quit etc as it was against their human rights. Come on, we have a pandemic here and your selfish needs of wanting to sleep in double bed in your own home is not essential!! Anyway, after the deanery had a discussion with government, they slacked the rules for them so these bunch of people can be happy, travel and spread the covid further.

On top of all these dramas, the education centre decided to throw in some toys to these bunch of people who are employed and earning salary (while many have became jobless during this pandemic, worried about feeding their family and paying off loans/ mortgages) to keep them occupied and happy. Like how when a baby throws a tantrum, you just feed it sweets or toys to get them entertained and happy again. This bunch of salary earning adults get to choose what 'toys' they want. Things that have been requested are: gym stuff, yoga mats, Frisbees, badminton, sports stuff, board games etc..... can you not fork out <5 a="" be="" can="" for="" frisbees="" go="" gym="" lifted="" lockdown="" nbsp="" not="" own="" p="" pay="" pounds="" proper="" the="" then="" to="" wait="" you="" your="">
It made me realised, people here feel 'entitled' or this is their way of coping...I don't know. A month down the road, I thought I will be cool, chill and have adapted the 'I don't care' attitude but the more I recall and write here, the more I am still seething.

So I have made a conclusion, being angry is the way for me to cope with all this shit.

Stay well, stay at home and stay happy =)

Annual entry 2019

Almost another year has past since I have been back here. I am indeed older and looking back at my all posts, I can't believe how naive and childish I was. Guess maturity comes with time.

So much has happened, so much has changed but this place remains the same.

Just want to drop a note here to keep this special place alive.

Annual entry

It's been almost a year since I wrote anything here. Browsing through my other links of my friend's/ acquaintance's blogs, not many are still active so I doubt many will see this.

Life has indeed go on.

So much has happened since my last entry. Many ups and downs, worries, stress, joy, success and failures. I have learned so much and I hope I am a better person.

What triggered this random visit? Well, not much, just boredom from the mundane routine life. I don't find anything on internet as interesting as I used to. Hobbies have all gone down the drain. I want to dance again, be flexible, be able to jump and split, be able to have my stamina back. I want to play music again, to express the emotions without words, to entertain others. I want my resilient in finishing a book, I struggle to keep my eyes open after a page of anything. I want to be young and fit again. To have all those angst and energy.

I have been receiving snail mails from my friends recently which totally cheer me up on a boring day. So much has changed but we are still who we were, deep down. Childhood is such a precious phase of life. So innocent, so much to experience and learn. Not that I am very old but I do feel older. I am not as active, as fit, as flexible, as absorbance as I used to be.

I find myself losing confidence and self esteem still (nothing changed in that department) but having a good face mask to give people the confidence in me. But deep down, I worry and doubt all the time. I told my supervisor this as a small chat along the corridor and the reply was 'you should be more cocky, you deserve it.' LOL

I just want to turn back time. Maybe I need a break, a real break from everything.

PS- it's autumn, dark by 5pm hence the emo-ness. Apologies.

Loyalty

My last post was in February 2016 when I last went home. A friend (an old friend would be more appropriate) was surprised to find my blog is still alive and I could only think of the word 'loyal'.

Before I proceed with my random rants on loyalty, I would like to shout out to WH, my old friend who feels older today because....it's his birthday!!!!
Happy Happy Birthday WH =)
Stay happy and healthy!!

WH and I knew each other (I am sure) for more than 10 years. It started off with simple bantering and insults over a chat forum on band topics then subsequently we met for the first time for a Flora Fest in 2007. I could only describe that first meeting as awkward and funny. For those of you who doesn't really know me, I always still do call myself fat, ugly and dumb. So my friend here, was looking forward to meeting a fat female person....and... he met me. Our first face to face conversation at the train station was- ' I was looking for a fat person!' LOL!!!!

Anyway, we somehow kept in touch and till today whilst he is at the other end of the world from my current place, we still kinda keep in touch. The last time we met up was in Dec 2011 (oops, it's been almost 6years! Hey WH, if you are reading this, it's been too long, time to catch up!! =P) but we still occasionally talk via modern technology. I am pleased to know that he is happy and doing well in life. Kudos to you!!

True friendship as time passes by, is difficult to maintain or find. Friends/ pals/ bro or sis from another mother etc that we formed when we were in our childhood or teenage years are so precious as we are as pure as we can be at that time. We are so comfortable with our friends and we didn't need to put on any masks not that I am putting on any now because I am so stupid hence I am so easily readable at work! As we grow older, meet more people, expand our circle of friends/ cliques/ network, we form who we are today but when we meet our old childhood friends, most of us evolve back to our old childish happy self. That is important because that was who we are, the start of every relationship since.

There has been changes in life for the past 2 years, from exams to work to relationships. Talking about work, many people said I was mistreated, a victim to a certain boss. But to me, I didn't find any of those true. To give you an idea, I was a trainee and at my work place, we are attached to a boss for 6 months so last year, instead of 2 bosses, I had 3 bosses. One semi- retired boss who was part time for 3-4 months, then when he officially left, I was attached to a new boss who was new to everything for 2-3 months and the last 6 months to a boss who was THE BOSS. Talking about training, if I were to compare myself to other trainees of my level, I lack in so many ways because instead of being trained like others, my training was service provision, working extra shifts that are lacking cover, lack of 'cutting' time etc. And THE BOSS is a, well strict would be an understatement. You can kinda guess what type of boss that is.

Anyway, prior to working under THE BOSS (TB for short), I was warned that all female trainees under TB cried most days due to the stress from TB. My first day with TB, I was told by TB that EVERYTHING I DO WILL BE WRONG, ACCEPT THAT FACT. I accepted that fact easily because, well, I am stupid and I don't even trust myself LOL. With this mentality, we got on well (I didn't cry so far so all is well) but there are moments where TB can be cross in general (not towards me) but others see it as TB was bullying me. Staff members check on me after 'discussions' between TB and me LOL!!

Anyway, after a year, I got another 1 year extension and my loyalty was tested. Do I move on to another place or stick with this place with a promotion? I was in a dilemma and I could not make up my mind. I didn't want to burn my bridges here and at the same time I didn't want to lose out on a possible better work place. In the end, I chose comfort of knowing the workplace and fellow staff member, security and loyalty over moving to a new workplace. Do I have regrets? No because I am still happy despite working harder and longer hours all my fault to be honest because I love work too much. Today is my first break after working 12 days straight which includes being oncall 61 hours straight. Calculating the hours, I have worked 155 hours for the past 12 days, 1.6 times the hours allowed according to European Working Time Directive (average of 48 hours in a week).

But all is well, I am resting today and I have yet to crash. I shall stop as I can continue for hours and I have other stuff to sort out aka life. So till the next post, take care!

PS: I was at a clinic with a patient and after he left the clinic, he told one of the staff that I am hilarious and can be a stand up comedian. So if I ever become jobless, I know that I will have some audience as a stand up comedian =P

Angry, fuming, disappointed, helpless

I'm back again. New department is not as organised as my previous department. My rota (work schedule) consists of night shift on Monday, post night zero day on Tuesday, day shift on Wednesday, long day shift on Thursday, back to day shift on Friday followed by night shift on Saturday and Sunday again. Its not doing my sleep pattern any good and its making me binge eat.

Anyway, the title of my post is the reason I am here. I rarely talk about my family but this time, I just have to.

My granny had a fall towards the end of CNY. I have a relative (let's name it IT) who works in the medical field. I believe IT recently graduated and should be in the housemanship phase. So, IT felt that everything is fine because quote IT 'granny is standing with minimal support'. Unfortunately granny has been complaining of severe thigh pain and according to my dad, she could not even move her leg due to pain. For the sake of 'family harmony', he felt that bringing granny home will be the best option. Now at this point, granny is still in a lot of pain and Dr. IT has (I presume) 'examined' and give it the all clear. When my dad told me the situation, I strongly suggested an XR to help in determining the cause of the pain eg. Fracture.

My dad brought granny home (traveled 5-6 hours journey) and went to the hospital which showed a fracture on the XR. Sadly, a lay person was there and the only information I got was that there is a broken bone at hip joint. Now, for those of you who are interested, a broken bone at hip joint could represent a lot of things and the most important complication we are (I am) worried is something called avascular necrosis (bone dies due to lack of blood supply).

I am furious because of the attitude of IT who didn't give a shit care on the pain my granny was experiencing. IT even lied to my dad that my granny could walk or stand with little help when my granny was obviously in severe pain (pain is a good sign that something is not right) and was suffering. As a doctor, IT is duty bound to care, examine properly and give a good useful advice instead of ignoring the white elephant in the room. More over, we are talking about family!! Wouldn't you care even a bit?? This is so wrong!! Maybe you'll say that IT is still new as a doctor but isn't it obvious that something is not right when a 80 over year old lady (high chance osteoporosis has set in) had a fall, in severe pain and is not moving the leg. If IT was not sure, sending granny to see a proper doctor ain't that difficult right?

With this kind of attitude, lack of compassion or empathy and NEGLIGENCE, IT is causing more harm than good. IT is a very dangerous doctor and I worry for the patients that are under IT's care. Innocent lives will be sacrificed for the sake of the stupid attitude which is appauling, outrageous and unacceptable!

IT is the annoying brat 'special' child who scored top in class,  gets spoiled and gets all IT's way. I've never liked IT fully and something IT said years ago when I was all alone in the rural Wick with no other Asians around during CNY period was very insensitive and that made me stop talking to IT (only when we face each other). At first I thought I was being bias due to my dislike of IT, but this time, I think it's justifiable to feel this way.

I would love to confront IT, to hear what IT got to say before I pounce on IT but my dad asked me not to say anything, and again, for the sake of 'family harmony'. If I get to do my way, I will not be living in a lie, wearing masks even among people I call family!! I am so disappointed at how things are going. I am also fuming because I am so far away and I can't do much at all. I feel so helpless and that's fueling my anger!!

This situation made me realise a lot of 'doctors' back at home do not possess the quality to care. What they have in mind is money and fame. Why are these people wearing a Dr in front of their name when they even lack the basic human emotions to feel for others, to care, to love and to help. Why are my family members, relatives, friends and their family getting treated by people who call themselves doctor yet fail to even be a human. I blame society and the system. I blame the lack of education (I am not talking about degrees or masters). I blame myself for letting such thing to happen even among my relatives.

I am not saying I am greater or better than IT but I am just so angry at how things turn out. For now, the health and recovery of my granny comes first. The doctor that saw my granny suggested 2 options- surgery or non- operative treatment. My dad opt for the safer and lesser evil option. The doc said it'll take weeks to months before my granny will recover. He is even surprised that she could sit. With lack of physiotherapy, lack of family support and lack of proper early intervention, I doubt it'll take weeks. I'm still so furious! What if granny was sent to seek medical attention earlier? (she would have pain control in place) What if the fracture was treated earlier? (she would recover quicker) What if something worse went wrong (high chance DVT (blood clot) will form followed by PE followed by death). I might be harsh in saying these but seeing death most days, I thought i'm immune to it by now. Truthfully, I was (I stop feeling and forgot how precious life is and how it affects the people around the decease) but I realise it quick enough and now have a soft spot that were never there before.

To readers out there, please do not be in the medical profession if money and fame is your aim in life. Don't think that having the title Dr means you are respected, you'll have a stable job, you'll live happily ever after. Its not that simple, it's never that simple. Also, advice your children, your relatives, cousins, nephews/ nieces or friends that being a doctor ain't easy and it's a long painful journey especially if there is no passion. Please don't force them because of the ignorance most Asian parents have. You are risking the lives of others.

Surprise!!!!!

I'm so sleepy and tired that I can't seem to gather my thoughts (wanted to stay up the whole night but ended up sleeping for the past 3 hours). Just to throw in a few points that I am lazy to elaborate
- the row of seats for my first flight were filled by IMU juniors
- Many air stewards working in 2nd flight, cute looking =P
- had tea poured all over my hand while I was replying my pen pal's letters but it's ok


Right on arrival, while waiting for my luggage, many thoughts ran through my mind. What if my family is away? What if they'll be angry that I wasted money? What if because of this trip, I subsequently fail my exam again? What if I have forgotten to do something with dateline? What if...I didn't know how or what to feel. I know what does mix feelings means.

Walked out after collecting my small luggage bag and there my friend was. Like I said, I have too many friends that are too nice to me. TOO NICE to me. I am totally not worth their time but I am really grateful. This is the first time a friend picked me up from the airport =)

First thing asked- are you hungry? Let's go for satay hehehe

When I arrived home, my house was quiet and I couldn't see anyone in the living room. Spritz was all over the gate jumping up and down. I went to the porch and peeped into the master bedroom, saw that my sis and mom are sleeping but my sis is still using her phone in the dark.

I went out to get my luggage but I think my sister heard the gate opening twice so went out and when she saw me she went...
Maaaaa.....Maaaa....Maaaaaaaaa!!!
My brother who was home rushed out from the toilet to check what's the situation
My mother rushed out too

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!

They were happy and smiling =)
No scolding hehe

We talked till 1am and then they went back to bed.

Now that I think bout it, I totally didn't know what to do with my friend. When my family came out, I think he went into his car and eventually drove off. OMG, should I have introduced him? What should I have done???!!!! I feel bad....they satay meal was paid by him too?!!!!! Oh no.....

Anyway, my dad is away working because he knew that I won't be home for CNY. I think he will be angry but hopefully not too angry =/

I promise I'll write better next time. I got to go to my aunt's and uncle's place for lunch (my mom told them I am back >.<)

Too Spontaneous Unlike Me

I just returned from home (Malaysia) on 2/2/16 and have been trying hard to surpress my homesickness. Besides needing to cope with new job, new hospital, new environment, new colleagues, new computer system, I have jetlag to deal with. I've been sleeping at 8pm and waking up at 11ish pm and forcing myself back to sleep at 1-2 am yet waking up at 3-4am. I have been struggling with fatigue for the past 3 days.

This morning, I woke up at 4am and was on Fb. There were so many CNY wishes and videos about going home to celebrate with family. I suddenly felt so sad and couldn't contain my tears, bawling my eyes out while trying to be quiet. Just 30min before heading out to work, I had the craziest idea. I could try arranging my annual leave today and fly out tonight.

I felt like I had a mission and the rest of day was a blur. I was having second thoughts after asking the rota person. I had more doubts after speaking to my consultant who was the head of department. I was unsure if this is a correct decision. I had no more rationality but I knew that adrenaline was pumping ferociously in my veins.

My dad and bro said 'it'll be too tiring'. My mom said 'come home if you miss home, don't if you need to stay back'. I was indecisive. Am I too irrational? When my junior colleague asked how much is the flight, it dawn on to me I didn't even check. Anyway, I thought since I've managed to arrange my annual leave, might as well just go. I have spent 2000£ for the past few days registering for exam, courses and now this flight.

My friend offered to pick me up from airport and send me to airport if I need to. I have too many friends that are too nice to me. By 3pm, I've bought my flight ticket. I'm going! My registrar and colleagues from previous jobs were supportive and encouraging. Miss them a lot.

Currently in airport. I feel sick, nauseous and hungry as I have yet to have any meal besides my cereals at 5am. I can't believe it. I'm flying home after coming back for 3 days.

First time being too spontaneous. First time surprising my family. First time having a friend picking me up from airport. Many first times but not the first time home for CNY and hopefully not the last.

Hopefully I'll have a safe flight and boy there's so many ppl on the plane. I guess home is where the heart is =}

Unexpected Expected Outcome

It's been a month since I last updated here.

Just half a week ago, I received an unexpected expected news. Why is it unexpected expected? Well....

I have been having worsening symptoms of hand tremor which is so obvious when I am assisting in theatre and occasional short span of palpitations for the past few months. Feeling warm while others are cold and getting flushed easily (saved me from having to put blusher, not that I use make up) has been something I have been experiencing for the past few years and has been normal to me. Come to think of it, before coming to Aberdeen, I have always felt cold and I hate the library because that's where I spent most of my time studying and it's freezing despite wearing a jacket.

Tremor (and since I now need to pay for the IHS when applying for visa) was why I made an appointment with a GP to get my blood checked. Many of my friends have been teasing me yet at the same time agreeing with my suspicions. The symptoms are all in text books. I finally got my bloods checked even though the GP did not look convinced.

In UK, when the GP calls you, it means the result is abnormal. Just to put it out there.

I called the GP practice at midday, the result was not back, Called again at half 4 as advised and I was told, the result just appeared but the GP has to verify the result before it's released. The receptionist checked my phone number in case the GP needs to call me.
I don't think I was anxious to get the result but after this 2 attempts, I think I was getting more and more worried.

I got a call 30 minutes later from a 'no caller ID'. Normally, I don't answer numbers that I don't recognise but this time, I was half expecting a call.

Quote the GP: " Your diagnosis was spot on! I have been trying to get in touch with the specialist the whole day in regards to starting medications and making a referral but they have not been answering my phone so I will call again tomorrow then update you."

2 things put me into 'red alert' mode
1. Get in touch the whole day- I thought the result just appeared, what do you mean the whole day? Some one is lying!
2. Starting medication- Is my result borderline abnormal that's why you are unsure whether to start on the medication or the result is SO abnormal that you need to check if I should be started on medication or go straight for other options.

My diagnosis is something I should know because it is one of the most asked question in my professional exam yet I realised I do not know anything.

Why is it an unexpected expected outcome? Now you know. I expected it to be the diagnosis but without blood result to confirm it, I didn't believe it. With the outcome in front of me now, I do not know what to do. It's obvious I need to get treated but I am stubborn and stupid. I DO NOT want to take medication even though I NEED it.

At this point, I am still coping with the reality of 'I AM ILL'.
I dislike the idea of taking medications and it could be lifelong.
I hate the fact that I am not normal anymore.
My perfect ideal vision of me is now unachievable.
I despise me, that this has happened to me.

Denial, anger, bargain, depressed and acceptance is the way of grieve, the way patients go through when bad news are being delivered to them. I now know the feeling of this end.

I am still stuck between denial, anger and depressed.
My world is now black or gray and I am compensating it by getting colourful things- flowers, decorating my room walls etc



My wish of dying young just could not come sooner.
Don't you worry, suicidal is not in my books.

Loneliest Day

I call this day the loneliest day of my life.
It's the day I was born, alone.
The day I feel even more lonelier than ever.

I do have friends, amazing friends that take the initiative to make time for me, to get limited edition gifts, to wish me, to remind others that it's my birthday and even to organise a surprise party for me, yet I always prefer to be alone, to keep it as low key as possible.

Why?

I guess as time passes, it's significance dwindle down.
If I look forward to this day every year, I will get disappointed as I start expecting things which rarely will actually happen.
Instead of expecting and feeling sad, I rather treat it as any other normal day.

This year, I've experienced so much changes and a whole lot of ups and downs that I actually for once, forgot it's my birthday.
It was the bank personnel whom I called the day before to change my address, wished me at the end of the call, reminded me that it's 13th of September the next day.

Days go on as usual but this time it's lonelier, quieter and more depressing.

My best friend, for the first time, forgot to wish me too.
I just wish this day could pass quicker.


2010- last celebration with family at home
2011- surprise party
2012- stuck outside of my room in Elgin, spent most of the time alone in the common room moping
2013- weekend before 13/9, housemate organised dinner but on 13/9, at work + nothing happened
2014- presents and cards from various people
2015- lunch with friends and emo
 
I should not feel this way on this day, there's even a wikihow to celebrate birthday alone =.=
http://www.wikihow.com/Celebrate-Your-Birthday-Alone

New Chapter

So it's been almost a month since I moved to this huge city. Things are different and gratefully I am settling in nicely.

I left Aberdeen with a really really heavy heart. The week before my move, my mother and sister flew 18 hours on the plane to be with me for 1 month. I haven't been home for almost 1.5 years.
I haven't got over the sudden loneliness and quietness after they left, yet I needed to move down south for a new chapter of life.

It was a sad 3.5 hours journey down with the van driver that was transporting my luggages, boxes and me down to the new place. On the van, he asked if I'll miss this place. I couldn't stop myself from tearing up and turning away from him to stop this humiliating scene.

One of the stress factor was I haven't found a place to settle in. It is very unusual of me but life throws you something different once a while to keep you in check. Fortunately I have very lovely friends and one of them allowed me to crash while looking for a new place.

Factor number 2- new workplace. I do not know who else was moving to this new city with me so I was nervous. Did manage to see a few familiar faces but none in the surgical department. I was all alone. That was not an issue, but I was also on-call that day and on my first week.

After all the induction and bits and bobs to start the new job, I spent most of my time not knowing where patients were and where I was. I survived that day and that week. My friends here have been fantastic and in no time, I felt comfortable.

Stress factor 3- exam. This is not my first time sitting this professional exam but I was not serious in studying and deserve the failure. Yet all the moving, all these on calls and learning new systems in new places are not giving time to rest.

Post nights are the best time to study because we're given 3 days off but this few weeks, I have been feeling extremely tired and sleep is what I need, not cramping new/ old information into my brain. That said, I am also still not in the mood for studying. No one to blame but me.

This is also one of my escape from studying- updating this blog which no one will read yet it gives satisfaction and time to reflect. I have to be grateful to be where I am now, and to be who I am.
=}

How I wish...

How I wish...

I can turn back time. 
But at this moment, it's something impossible so the next possible thing is 

How I wish...

I was dead. I now truly understand when you want to die just to run away from a problem, to not face the consequences. I haven't made up my mind if I want to die by my own hands or getting hurt by others. 
Maybe if I die saving someone attacked by knife or sharp glass and the it hit my carotid artery and I can't be saved. Maybe that's the way to go for me

How I wish...

I was not this dumb, this stupid to screw things up.  My life is now in a complete mess.

How I wish...

I have friends around me now who I can open up to and be comfortable enough to cry to or rant about my thoughts. 

How I wish...

I have a partner who can truly understands me, who can be with me or let me be as how I need. 

How I wish...

I am dead.

2015

So it's 2015. Well, near the end of January 2015.

It's been a hectic end of 2014 and stressful start of 2015. I think because I have thoroughly enjoyed my FY1 year that I am to suffer in my FY2 year.

Before I start my ranting, I haven't had the chance to reflect on my 2014. Besides working and traveling around, is there much to reflect? Achievements? Careers? Relationships? Money? Well, come to think of it, nothing much changed in my life. Still was a FY1 and now FY2, not much achievements, still happily unavailable, still spending and earning like usual. Hmm, any highlights? Sure there were moments that are worthy to talk about or brag but what's the point. As long as I treasure it and remember it, it's good enough =)

So my 2015 started at the very 'best' place- most north of this island, most 'ulu', boring, stupid, ridiculous happening place.

Besides getting:
Overworked
Unsupported
Stressed
Busy
Low in morale
Unmotivated
Don't give 2 shit about anything
Tired/ Exhausted/ Worn out
Unhappy
Fed-up
Depressed

I'm fine otherwise.

I need a break pronto. Even when I am not working, I need to work on my interview/ portfolio preparation.

Can't wait for end of February. It'll be my first travel in 2015 =)

Olá Portugal =)

I was meant to travel to Portugal one and a half year ago with my friends but I forgot about a course I signed up for and after paying for the flights and accommodation to Portugal, I had to forgo the trip.
1.5 years later, I finally visited Portugal. I have been traveling around Europe alone when I have the off days in my haphazard work schedule but this time, I found a friend/ junior/ work colleague to travel with.

Having to travel with a companion is very different compared to traveling alone. Besides the constant flow of conversation with another human being, I took more risk and had the courage to do things that I won't allow myself to do if I were alone. A good change I think.

Now, more stories to follow.

Portugal is beautiful but if I were to travel alone, it might be another city to me, but things were more fun with a friend around =P

We went to Lisbon- Sintra- Rabo da Roca- Coimbra- Porto.

Lisbon had a lot of history, culture and pastries. I found the person who colonised Melaka- Alfonso de Albuqueque and the locals were amazed that I knew him. There is a famous Portuguese poet named Pessoa who amazingly created multiple (I think >100) pen names with personalities, background stories and signature for each pen names. How cool is that?
Now, Belem is a part of Lisbon that has beautiful buildings, breathtaking cathedral and of course the one and only Pasteis de Belem- Portuguese tart. Other Portuguese tarts besides the one made in Belem are called pastel de nata. Rumour: there's 3 pastry chef for the Pasteis de Belem and they can't eat, fly or travel together in case all 3 dies at the same time and the secret recipe will be lost forever.
Another interesting part of Lisbon is Alfama, here the architectural is so different as well. Had the chance to listen to their local music- Fado music which is in the UNESCO cultural/ Hermitage list. Interesting city. Oh ya, there's a cherry liqueur called Ginja which is absolutely lovely. It is served in a small edible chocolate cup and on a cold rainy day, this liqueur is really really good.

Sintra was a day trip where we visited the few touristy places- Pena Palace which was like a fairy tale castle as it was so colourful and architecturally interesting; Castle of Moors which was like another castle but at this place, we could see the whole Sintra; National palace of Sintra and Municipal of Sintra. Travesseiro aka pillow is the pastry that needs to be tasted and it reminds me of my home pastry- kaya kok/ puff =P

Next, we went to Cabo da Roca, the westernmost of mainland Portugal and continental Europe. We watched the sunset and caught the last 2nd bus back to Cascais for the train to Lisbon.

For tourist looking for a day trip from Lisbon to Sintra then to Cabo da Roca, you can get the day pass for metro + bus pass for 15 euros. Start travelling from Rossio station in Lisbon to Sintra, take the bus 434 (included in the day pass) around Sintra then bus 403 (included in the day pass) to Cabo da Roca. The last bus from Cabo da Roca if I am not mistaken is 1945 back to Cascais then train (also included in day pass) to Lisbon but the train will stop at Cais do Sodre instead of Rossio. If you have the time, stop by belem (on the way to Cais do Sodre station) and have the Pasteis de Belem =P

Next we went to Coimbra, the city of students because the oldest and largest universities in Portugal are here, The historical universities buildings are classified as World Herritage by UNESCO in 2013 (according to wikipedia). Unfortunately it was a rainy stormy day so most of my time in Coimbra were spent having coffee and cakes in the cafes.

Porto, the city of port wine =)
On arrival to my hostel, I was pleasantly surprised as it was cheap and the room was large spacious and multiple beds to choose to sleep. We ended up rotating on different bed each night. (1 double, 1 couch, 2 single beds) Oh, did I forget to mention that there was a TV with multiple channels showing American series? Perfect activity before bedtime.
Now Porto is beautiful with the Duoro river running through. But this city left a deep impression in me because in this city, I learned to properly let my hair down and went a bit wild. Remember I said when travelling with a companion, there's more courage and risk taking? Yup, that was what happened. Yup, lots of alcohol involved too but nope, I did not get drunk, was sober throughout =P


Traveling around Europe, mingling with locals, I have experienced in almost each travel, a lot of catcalls or being approached by creepy men. Portugal did not miss that opportunity too. Just to name a few that stood out:
Edinburgh- I was carried down Royal Mile in a fireman's carry position by a random stranger
Italy, Belgium, Ireland- was offered drinks and hinted for something else out of it
Paris- was starred at, followed then asked to sit beside him on a bench while he mumbled French
Portugal- walked pass me a few times and each time mumbled some Portuguese while smiling creepily

I have indeed enjoyed this trip and after returning home, I had 5 days rest before getting back to work. How did I spend my last 5 days? Stalking people with the power of Google, Facebook and Linkedin. It's bad, I know, but I have achieved my goals for stalking and will start work in a few hours time so no more stalking for me until the next travel.

Obrigado =P

Surprise...good or bad?

I'm not a big fan of big surprises.

Yes, I do admit I do like it but when my mind is blown, I react the opposite of expected or normal.

So what happened yesterday morning that made me stunned, shocked, angry, annoyed yet at the same time happy, delighted and shy was this.

OMG!!!

After signing for it, I put it down on the doorway and just starred at it for a wee while, maybe longer than a wee while.

Then I transferred it to my room, shut my door, sat on my bed and starred at it for ever more.

Speechless.

As I was in the middle of something before the knock on the door and this unexpected turn of event, I decided since I can't cope with this, I will ignore it and continue with whatever I was doing and my life,

After finishing and getting distracted by the box from the corner of my eyes , I braved myself and opened the box.

OMG for the second time!!!

What the hell!!!!
Disbelief!!!

After calming myself, I searched for a card or a clue from whom is this from but I got a message on my phone instead. A friend from home decided that money can be spared and can we wasted on worthless people like me sent it as a belated birthday gift since I was not at home on my actual birthday.

After much drama, I left house for lunch and to get away from it, to have some fresh air and tea to calm the nerves.

After 5 hours, I went home and had a good chat and catch up session with my uni mate from home who was telling me all the suffering and torture working back at home. Warnings and multiple advises have been issued and I have been verbally banned from going home for work.

Then I did what other normal people will do. I felt happy and appreciated the sincerity of this amazing friendship. Thanks and words of appreciation replaced those harsh stupid, ungrateful emotional words that were shot out earlier without processing thoroughly through the frontal cortex if I have one to begin with.

Anyway, transferred the bouquet into a vase and had a good chat with my housemate who was bothered with his phone (technology *roll eyes*) issues.

I had another amazing 1-week-later-belated-birthday day.

I really felt blessed and gratified for having such amazing great wonderful caring people in my life.

Thank you so very much =)

Amazing birthday celebration

Well if you have been following my blog, you'll kinda get the gist that I am not good in birthdays or celebrations. Ever since I came to UK, my birthday celebration, or no celebration has been something I got used to. To me, if there is just someone that actually remembers it, I will feel so happy. If there is a celebration, it'll be a bonus.

This year, I had a great, amazing, fabulous, mind-blown birthday!!

I met up with my 2 ex-housemates and we went visiting England together and had our (belated) birthday celebrations. It was really nice and I was so elated =)

After exam, went for a 2 days course which was really fun!
Then off to meet up with 1 ex-housemate at Glasgow where I finally had a taste of good Asian cooked curry. Next, we went to Lancaster to meet up with the last ex-housemate.

The 3 of us meeting up was really something I never dreamed of or something that will happen in reality. To be able to be in the same room, breathing the same air, talking, teasing, laughing together and catching up was so surreal. I couldn't believe that it was happening. (cue for tears)

The next morning, we went to Liverpool and oh ya, it was my birthday too. The suite that we stayed in was WOW!! Seriously WOW and luxurious expensive too but it's worth it!! And for the first time after a long time, I got myself something expensive as a present. To be honest, it was something like a memorabilia for this amazing trip. Oh ya, we had tonnes of coffees and cakes too.

Then we went our separate ways. I went to Manchester to catch up with another friend who came all the way from Aussie then I nearly couldn't catch the train went to Chester and met up with the 2 of them again. The thought that 2 of them had some bonding session without me really made me giggle like a silly person =)

Chester is a really nice town and after a night of boring horror movie with ciders, we bid it goodbye to travel to Windemere. Lake district is beautiful and after hours of feeling sick in the tour van, we bid goodbye to each other for real this time. It was sad but all good things must come to an end.

I stayed overnight at Glasgow and we just lazed around watching TV and having our favourite food- Indomie =P

Back to Aberdeen, the house was cold and dark (current housemate was on night shift) and I felt so lonely. It was not a great feeling but it passed very quickly because the house was dir-to-the-ty. Oh gosh!

Anyway, I am thankful, glad and very appreciative to have such amazing ex- housemates who were so patient and so tolerant with me. Being together for 5-6 nights without any tension really showed how comfortable we are with each other after 2 years of staying together. The laughter, the lame jokes, the ninja style selfies, the inside jokes, the trust among us is really something that is so difficult to re-create with anyone else. For the first time, I didn't count or care how many wishes I got this year too!

Thank you for everything, I miss you guys already =/
I wonder if such trip can happen again?

Sad day

Just got news that one of my patient who was transferred from CCU to ward died yesterday. It has been a long battle, RIP

Then I found out the pt who's DNACPR form was signed by me last Sunday before my 4 days off, died the next day. Haven't found out what happened and how he passed on but it's so sad. At least he's not suffering anymore.

2 deaths when I'm not on, I don't know it's a good thing or not. It's either I'm holding on to them for too long, prolonging their suffering or it's just their time to go.

But isn't it kinda coincidental that they both died when I'm not there? Maybe I am thinking too much =/

One of my friend's status on FB today
'When your patient you've worked so hard to keep alive for 2 months tells you he'd rather die, it suddenly puts everything we do into perspective. Health is so little about being alive, but having life. Something we do so poorly sometimes.'

Really reflects today's news =/

RIP

Amazing day =)

Today has been amazing.

Yesterday was crap.

So lets talk about yesterday. I felt crap because I have been working everyday since early August and only had 2 weekends off. Then on the weekend, I have to cover CCU, Cardiology ward, Renal ward and other wards that have cardio or renal patients. Running all around hospital is not fun. Other than that, I helped the junior file and chased all 30 pts notes and bloods. Never swore and grumble that much in my head before.

So today my day started with the notorious consultant being alright with me and he even signed my form that he didn't need to sign (I needed to get my educational sup to sign for me but he is off). Then I had a crash bleep, to run to A+E resus. A guy had cardiac arrest at home and is being flew over by the chopper. As as soon as he arrived, we were all over him, and he was unwell, really unwell. I did a cannula and bloods then ABG on him. In emergency situation, I did not realise that I was bleeding. It was when I saw my glove was stained with blood, inside out that I realise that I scratch myself with the needle and I think, stab myself at my finger prior to the ABG.

I helped the ITU consultant who's also a surgeon prepare arterial line and central line stuff and after the whole ordeal, he approached me and thanked me personally for helping. Wow.

Next, I signed my first ever DNACPR. One of my favourite pt is dying. It pained me to see the family members crying around him and to see him looking off colours =(

Then the nurses also told one of the anaesthetist that although they don't say it, I am very good (*shy*)
It is difficult to please the nurses and reg at the same time but I guess I found the right way.

Officially finish at 5pm but only left at 6pm, typical, nothing new. I have been leaving the hosp at least one hour late. Anyway, left hosp feeling great because the sun was shinning and it was warm. It has been raining and dark when I left hosp for the past few weeks.

Overall, it was a good end to my August day shifts, next, I'm only working 8 nights in Sept. Then back to working almost everyday (again) in Oct.

New start

It's been a while since I ranted. Maybe because I've been ranting to my housemates, well now ex-housemates, so here I am back again.

I've progressed to a new department, with a new title, with more responsibility and more stress. What irks me the most is the working hours.

Let's start systematically.

1. I rather start early (since I am awake by 5ish 6am anyway) and finish early. This whole 9am-9.30pm crap is just so annoying. Worse is when your colleague doesn't appear at 9pm for the handover and I end up leaving work almost 10pm feeling so annoyed and angry and I'll be grumbling to myself like some crazy person having hallucination while walking home.

2. The department is so disorganised! Let me break it down- There's 2 places that I need to cover. A is for pts who are more unwell and sick whereas B is for more stable pts but with a problem that needs to be addressed.

So B is super super disorganised because there's just too many pts to care for and there is lack of staff and support from seniors. I am expected to lead the ward round for half of the ward and there's always pressure for beds for new admissions so I ended up choosing pts to be decanted (transfer to another ward so that the new admission have beds) or discharged. When the pts ask difficult questions, I feel so stupid and guilty for the inability to answer them correctly, I could only guess and reassure them. When there's decanted pts, I'll need to keep track of them and walk around the whole hosp to see them and to have a plan for them.

A is a place where pts are properly sick. I'll be holding the crash bleep too so when the bleep starts talking and telling me which ward to go to, I'll need to carry the mega huge bag filled with drugs and defib to the ward and go through ABC +/- shock them. Part of the job includes reviewing ECGs sent in by the paramedics or GPs to be reviewed and direct them to appropriate place, be it B or A&E or AMIA etc.

I have been working in A this past week and it's been alright because the nurses who has been there forever has been guiding me and giving me tips. Seniors are just a phone call away too. But today the nurses were different and not that nice, started giving me hard time and ranting to me for the inappropriate referrals that the reg accepted. What do you want me to do, he's the reg and he's been pressurised too by that other department consultant who has way more experience than any of us and insisted that her pt have to come to our ward instead. Oh well... my colleague who has been working in B for the past week has been so stressed and she told me she's been crying when she got home =/

3. I really hate joining the ward round in the middle of it. The reg and consultant starts the ward round before 9am and they do not expect me to come early so I'll need to check what they wrote in the notes to catch up with the jobs. Hate the working hours, refer to 1.

4. After 5pm on a weekend and nights, I need to cover another ward which has tonnes of sick pts too. The sheer thought of it is just so scary since I don't know any of them and they're circumstances such as if they are fluid restricted or for transplant etc.

5. I have no time to study for my coming exam. Coming home at 10 ish pm feeling angry and tired is not ideal. Refer to 1 again!


But on a brighter note, I get my jobs done and it's so easy to get people to review my pts (maybe because pts are sick). And it's the weekend!!! It's the first of my 2 weekends where I am not working =)
Oh, and my new housemate is alright too =)

Well there goes my first rant, there will be more since I am starting on B next week. I will cross that bridge when I get there, in the meantime, I should sleep soon but I have to study too..hmm...should get my priorities right...SLEEP indeed =P