call me a coward

It's not new for my dad, uncles and sometimes brother to sweep their problem under the carpet. My mother always emphasised that we CANNOT follow their footsteps hence I did not (proven when I was in band). But lately, to be more precise..today I nearly did what my mother warned me not to.

Yesterday was a really tiring day for me. Wearing high heels walking all over Uni, then Mid Valley, then Sogo then at Dataran Merdeka...my feet was really killing me!!! But it was a fruitful day because we got the present, I got the t-shirt and met quite a lot of band friends.

So TODAY, I was supposed to join my 2nd ballet teacher's class. This teacher is very very fierce and when she stares at me, I really really am stressed and scared because I know I did mistakes or did not achieved what she expected and wanted in that routine. Anyway, I was so scared to attend her class today because I know I suck in ballet and I know I will definitely got a lot of scolding so I was in bed, closing my eyes thinking of all sorts of excuses to escape.

It was already 8am and I was still on my bed, eyes closed, cooking up plans, refusing to wake up. By 9am I was still doing the same thing and really really wanted to skip the class (imagine how scared I was!!). By 10am, I decided to wake up and face the music. Die die la!!! Scold scold la!! Just accept it and try to be brave.

Class was at 1pm till 2.30pm, 2.30 till 4pm and 5.30 till 7pm and it wasn't that bad. She did correct me here and there but did not scold me. Thank God!! Hence I realised, I was being a coward and was on the way to sweep my this problem under the carpet, hoping that I'll escape and don't need to bother further. How stupid I am!!!

Have you let people manipulate you?? Well, I realised I am always being used and manipulated. Tomorrow, I plan to catch up on my studies and suddenly my ballet school principal called me and asked me to help her distribute fliers to promote the ballet school. I did try to reject but she insisted and hence I gave in so tomorrow I won't have time to study (DIE!!) but this is not what I want to say. What I want to say is, why am I so easily manipulated? This is not the 1st time and I guess won't be the last time. Some friends and teachers used and manipulated me but I always gave in and follow where ever they want me to do because somehow, the concept of HELPING and REACHING OUT to people have been drummed into me...So...will I ever stop letting people use me?? I doubt so....sad....=(


***I really really miss my band life....I really really miss the sound of drum beat...I really really miss the sound of brass and wood wind instruments....and most of all, I miss being in the competition having thousands of eyes watching me (especially during my solo) and friends cheering for me and the audience clapping for me...I really really really really REALLY miss being in the spot light ^^