I got to express....

I am very very worried that I'm gonna fail. No, it's actually a fact. Now when I think about it, I don't think I deserve this holiday to Penang. I am worried sick. What if I failed? What if the result slip/envelope I'm gonna receive will be heavy (because the resit form are all in it). I am just so worried, even at Ballet class just now, I could not concentrate. I keep staring at the mirror thinking how am I going to face myself, my family and my friends?? (My teacher thought I was correcting my routine LOL) I can't accept a fail, I can't!! Especially after all the effort I have put in, I don't think I will ever accept a failure in my life, especially when it comes to studies. I don't want to fail =(

My first disappointing paper that I can still remember was in primary 3 when I got a grade C for my Chinese Language. I still remember I went home and told my dad who was bathing about my result and then I stood outside the bathroom crying. I still can remember clearly that the bathroom door was yellow. Hahahaha...

Well, there were more of such emotions in secondary school of course. Basically I was having this fear of failing any subject since I started form 1 and I think that's how I had this habit of telling people I'll do bad in exam. I guess it sort of makes me thought of the worst scenario before getting the result, so I'll be more prepared if I ever really end up with the worst case scenario. I guess some of you knew that sometimes what I meant as fail was a grade B, I know I set my expectations too high, but this is my way of making myself work harder.

Back in A level, I actually broke down and cried in the toilet after my C3 mock exam because I knew that I lost my grade A. I was seriously sad and down (Karam you remember?) Surprisingly, someone who I never expected came and tried to cheer me up. Guess who? It was CK. Thats how we got sort of close back in semester 1 n 2. This guy is unique in his own way. To some of you maybe he was arrogant but deep down, he is a nice guy. Sadly after A Level, he disappeared and I am guessing he did so to avoid us asking about his result. CK, if you so happen to still read my blog, come out from your hiding place please, Germany or Malaysia!!! By the way, I got the A for that paper =)

Now in university, this fear of failing is so much greater due to the fact that we will get expelled if we fail twice. It's so great that sometimes it suffocates me. I was actually aiming for an A for semester 1 but my hopes did not materialise. Then in semester 2, I worked harder, pushing myself to my limit yet I still lost my grade A for summative 2. Now, for EOS2 I don't want to aim for an A, I just want to aim for a pass. I just want to pass my every first sitting, I don't want to fail, I don't want to =(

"失败是成功之母"

I know, but I just can't accept it!! Call me kiasu, I don't care because this is my life and this is my way of living it. I just want a pass this time, is it too much to ask for? Yes, I lied when I told some of you guys that I am not going to worry about my result for this whole 2 weeks of holiday, sorry but that fear is getting stronger and vibrating in my whole system every second. I am just so scared, I don't want to fail. I know it's useless to be worried sick now but I just can't help it.

Argh, just give me that fail and let's get it over with now!!!! =(


PS: Emo now doesn't mean emo in the afternoon. It's 5.30am now, I think I got to go sleep